Accepting Loss (But Not Well)

[Dubski]

Toshiko had heard the simple question from Viviana. 'Is that all?' She closed her eyes tight, but felt more at ease when that hand came on her shoulder. The shoulders relaxed first as she took a breath, nodding slightly.

But then she asked if it was a match loss, Ito's body tensed up all over again. She was already on a hair trigger, but to treat it like just a match loss... it had made her already emotional state boil over as Toshiko turned, facing Vivian with anger in her eyes. "I lost a match, Viviana! I have trained tirelessly, my whole life to win! This is all that matters for me! The things I've been through, all for this!" shouted Toshiko, her expression turning more to worry now as she backed up a few paces. "How am I supposed to face my family!? I left them to do this, and they already think me a failure! What now!?"

She trembled violently now, all of this clearly being terribly unhealthy and bottled inside. Toshiko never spoke a word of her feelings on her family before, and mostly avoided any talk of her past. She quickly brushed a hand across her eyes, wiping away any tears that may have leaked out, hoping that Viviana would not have seen, before adding in a more panicked tone, pointing a finger at her girlfriend. "And you... you have trained for so long. I have seen it. Do you not... do you not care you lost? Does it not... eat at you? Do you not want to ensure it never happens again, by any means!?" They were words than had run through her mind since Viviana's own loss. Was Accera not feeling as devastated as she was? Lowering her hand, Ito's back eventually hit the wall and she slid down it slightly as both arms came around to hug herself, taking deep breaths as she tried to calm herself, fighting back any tears or outbursts again. She didn't want to show Viviana anymore vulnerability from herself--nor did she want to explode on her again. It became difficult though as tears began dripping from the corners of her eyes again.

[Devilish53]

"Name me someone..."

Viviana responded rather quickly, almost matter of a-factly as she turned her back to press against the apron Toshiko was previously clutching.

"Any big name in LAW. Annnnny big name in LAW worth two cents. Name me anyone of them that hasn't taken a loss." Viviana crossed her arms with an eyebrow raised as she looked at Toshiko.

"If anything, the fact you've taken a loss means you've hit a wall, you know?" Viviana let up her gaze, even going so far as to lean her head back. "If you kept going forward and never met an opponent who could match you...What's even the point?" Viviana was more talking from experience and her own personal thoughts towards wrestling - thoughts shared by her sister, given she was the one whom imparted them on Viviana. "Someone beat you. Now you've got an obstacle to climb, yes?"

[Dubski]

Toshiko glanced back up at Viviana as she began to speak again, abruptly wiping at the tears again. She narrowed her brow as she took it in. She was aware that loss was normal for most people, but for Toshiko it was... different. A loss meant far more. It meant insults, derision, abuse, and even more demanding training. It was far more intense.

At the same time, she wasn't there now. A conditioning had been practically beaten into Ito, but she didn't have to answer to anyone. At least, she didn't have to answer to anyone but herself now. Almost timidly, she stood back up straight, looking at Viviana apologetically. "I... do not like climbing obstacles." Slowly, Ito would walk towards Viviana again, bowing her head. "The obstacles I climb after a loss... in this analogy, yes? They would be... painful. Emotionally, and physically," said Toshiko, swallowing hard as she stepped in front of Viviana.

She mulled it over in her mind--whether or not to put more context to that statement, to her outburst, and to her general devastation from losing. Viviana had always been so understanding and patient with her thusfar. If there was anyone else she could try to confide in, it would be her. She looked back up at Accera, speaking in a softer tone that she rarely ever adopted and said, "My family demands perfection... aggressively. It was all my family had, and as a result, all I have ever had. When I lost, or was not otherwise... being the best I could be, I would suffer. I would suffer insults, painful training, and silent passive aggressive reminders of my failures. My father, specifically, was a lot more cruel and..." Sniffling, Toshiko paused and wiped away tears once more. "I left them so I could escape that... Promising I could be successful elsewhere. I'm practically disowned by them now. And now I'm..."

Ito shrugged, gesturing to the space between the two of them, not sure what else to say. "I am the result of them. And... even though loss is normal for everyone, I am not normal. I sometimes don't think I can be either," continued Toshiko, shaking her head. "I am sorry for being distant... I am sorry for... all of this right now. I am just sorry."

[Devilish53]

Toshiko was taking her loss in a manner Viviana couldn't understand. She was even wiping tears, making Viviana believe there was another problem a foot. To take a loss so seriously? Had this been the first defeat Toshiko had suffered altogether - never mind in LAW, or even wrestling?

Though it soon became apparent why this singular loss had affected Toshiko so - namely in the fact that had she suffered said loss at home, at a younger age, then she might have suffered serious repercussions. As someone from a competitive yet accepting family, Viviana herself couldn't compare. The nearest thing in terms of experience was how Viviana was often inadvertedly overlooked in favour of her more successful siblings, but even those moments didn't last long.

So naturally, Viviana didn't know what to say.

Instead, she simply stepped forward, and practically woman-handled Toshiko via her shoulders. If only to pull her in a warm embrace, with her hand coming up to Toshiko's head in an effort to gently press her cheek against her own shoulder.

[Dubski]

Ito had stayed silent, averting her gaze to the ground after a moment when Viviana seemed silent as well. She didn't know that Viviana would accept the apology, start running away immediately after hearing everything, or just overall not really care. Her body tensed a little more, mind racing with negative thoughts and worst case scenarios of having to explain herself like this. Toshiko thought she might have run--she might not be as forgiving.

But soon all of Toshiko felt herself being grabbed an pulled into a firm hug, and the Japanese girl tensed for a couple moments as she felt her head being held against her girlfriend's shoulder. She didn't know what to think or how to react, but all of those negative thoughts went right away. Replaced now with warmth and comfort, she had felt it often. But when she felt particularly vulnerable like this, she hadn't felt it much. It felt cathartic to be embraced and her feelings acknowledged. And while Viviana didn't say anything, this was all that Ito needed as she threw her arms up around the strong shoulders of her girlfriend, holding onto her just as tight as she gently cried into her shoulder.

She just stood there like that, holding onto Accera desperately for closeness. After a short time crying, she spoke back up softly. "I am still very sweaty..." remarked Toshiko, trying to add some slight levity to the situation, somehow that thought coming to her head through this. While it was emotionally comforting, she had to be certain that it wasn't the most physically comfortable hug they've ever had. But then she swallowed hard, sucking in a deep breath. "I think there may be something wrong with me. I don't know what to do," spoke Ito honestly, her voice trembling slightly as she clutched Viviana a little bit tighter still.

[Devilish53]

"I..." Viviana tried to be wise, or at least a little soothing. Diana would know what to do - despite all of her older sisters fierceness, she was better at reading people and scenarios than Viviana. Neither of them had an upbringing comparable to Toshiko, but at least Diana had the wisdom of perspective. Viviana at least, could be honest.

"Don't know either..." She'd sigh, her hug coming undone as she raised her hands, holding Toshiko's shoulders to share a soft gaze with her partner. "Time...usually helps..." She herself sounded unsure of her own words, but Viviana felt she was right in suggesting that Toshiko simply slow down in addressing her situation.

"Would..." There was a nervousness to her tone as she made her next suggestion, unsure if it was the wise thing to do. It would at least make things readily apparent for Toshiko, rather than her being left wondering how her family would respond. "...It help if you talked to them?"

[Dubski]

Toshiko's gaze met Viviana's as she struggled for the words when their hug broke. She could tell that her girlfriend wanted to offer her advice or any kind of calming words, but it truly was a situation that was hard for the Italian to understand. It was a wildly different circumstance than anything Viviana had experienced, and it was a reason Ito was so hesitant to tell her in the first place. But the fact that Viviana was trying meant a tremendous amount to her as her lip quivered. She sucked in a deep breath through her nose, nodding slowly.

At least, until she made her suggestion. Toshiko's entire body went stiff and she nearly froze before shaking her head once. Her face scrunched up painfully as she said in a lower tone, "No, it would not. They--" With a groan, Ito thought of the words. How to convey it to Viviana who seemed to struggle with understanding it to begin with. And thinking on it made her feel more frustrated, and frustration turned to anger. Not at the woman in front of her, but at her family. "...I know what they would say. And I don't want to hear it from them. I am living a life they hate. And then if they were to know you and I--" Toshiko stifled herself there, a brief hint of anger flaring up in her before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She wanted to get into that least of all.

"...They don't want to talk to me either. It's doubtful they would even bother. I just--" Toshiko's expression softened as she looked at Viviana, peering into her eyes and showing even more vulnerability. "I wish to be... normal. You have shown me... normality. And it makes me feel good. Like I'm not a... fish out of sea," said Ito, butchering a common phrase as she placed her hands on both sides of Accera's waist. "Is it normal to to go therapy? Is it helpful? I have considered it, but..." She gave Viviana a shy smile, shrugging a shoulder. "I am... a little afraid." She admitted, giving her girlfriend maybe an easier line of questioning that she could answer.

[Devilish53]

Viviana didn't want to commit to suggesting something outlandish with Toshiko. From what she was hearing here and now, it seemed wise for Viviana to suggest that Toshiko outright left her family behind given how toxic they were coming off as. But leaving ones family behind was always countless times easier to suggest than actually do. And for all Viviana knew, Toshiko might have simply have been highlighting the negativity from them - brought on by the confidence to her partners hit in taking her first loss. Until Viviana heard more, she would have to go forward with an open mind - namely to the possibility that Toshiko's family wasn't as bad as they sounded.

Or perhaps, they were even worse.

"I..." Viviana hummed again, out of her element. "I don't know. I've never really heard of...therapy...not helping?" She'd say with a inquisitive tone and a shrug to her, as the tall Italian continued to hold Toshiko softly.

[Dubski]

Toshiko watched Viviana as she gave her response and couldn't help but smile a little and let out a gentle laugh. She glanced back down, smiling a bit. She expected her girlfriend to be at least a little bit more knowledgeable about therapy. She couldn't help but jest with her. "I am learning today that you don't know everything. It is very disappointing, since I believed you were perfect," remarked Ito, embracing Accera and giving her a squeeze and a small smirk, making it clear her dry joke was just that.

"I really am sorry though," said Toshiko, pressing her head against Viviana's shoulder and staying quiet for a moment. She took a deep breath though and looked back to her face, apologetically. She canted her head slightly, just taking in the lovely features of her girlfriend and asked, "What can I do to fix things or... make it up to you?" Toshiko rarely did apologies, and even moreso she didn't even really know the procedure for making amends. But along with other things today, this was also something she was willing to learn. At the very least, Viviana would be more equipped to answer that inquiry.

[Devilish53]

Viviana found herself tensing up a little at first given Toshiko's comment - one she would have taken as a jest immediately had it been anyone else. Though she'd soon burst out laughing, in quite the lively fashion given how her partner had lightened the mood in such a fashion. Hugging back and shutting her eyes, the two would sway a good moment with Viviana ensuring the muscular Toshiko was as tightly snuggled up as she could be.

"Hmmm...Hmmm..." She'd bring her head back, if only to allow Toshiko to see that she was in deep thought. With Viviana even bringing up her hand to poke her own chin, as if lost in that question. Before she'd snap back to reality with a grin.

"Dinner? A big one." She'd nod, satisfied with her choice.