My current status and some hiatus

[PurpleMage]

Hello there everyone. As most of my RP partners should have noticed by this moment, last couple months were very inconsistent for me in terms of regularly logging in and replying to my threads. I would like to at least attempt to give some kind of explanation to this. With this I’m only trying to take some accountability for the people I have let down with my subpar performance and to myself. I’m not trying to inspire pity on anyone or trying to blame someone esle than myself, but here goes:

Earlier this year I suffered a very powerful recession in my depression. The situation became unbearable to the point I had to get psychiatric treatment for the second time in 5 years. This has rocked my way of life and my routine in ways I didn’t expected. The best days were just bearable and the worst were a nightmare. In order to cope I shut myself out from anyone while neglecting my responsibilities and started spending lots of time online where no one knew me and I was held no accountability. What I’m trying to say is that in some way I used this place as an escape from a harsh reality that I couldn’t handle, and now I realize it was a selfish act, and deeply knowing this made logging in become unbearable these last couple months.

Now I am in a pretty complex and difficult situation. My meds are starting to stabilize my thoughts and now I need to start thinking for myself again and rebuild a life and routine that are in shambles. With that comes a priority check, and I reached the conclussion that for now I need to get back to the basics and start evaluating all of my routines one by one starting from the most basic ones and moving ahead from there.

Here we arrive at the reason behind this post: I need some time out of this site. I need to regroup and rebuild my life before I can even think about this. I want to take things slow and make sure I fully recover being the version of myself I want to be and that includes reexaminins every of my routines. This is why I decided that from now on I will take an indefinite hiatus from posting. This doesn’t make me happy at all because I know I’m leaving some people hanging, but I’m going to fight for my mental health first.

Where will this lead me? Honestly I’m not sure. For now I only know what comes immediately next and that is me starting to rebuild a life. What would happen next I cannot know. Best case scenario I will be back in some time refreshed and eager to post again, but I cannot make any promises. As I said before this doesn’t make me happy at all since it’s real people we are dealing with in here, but my situation demands it. I hope anyone in threads with me can forgive me for the sudden absence and I hope we can see each other again soon.

Thanks for reading and best wishes.

[Albentes]

It's ok mate, take your time and do your best, we will be here welcoming when you return. Health and life stuff comes first take all the time you need.

[DSX93]

Agreed. I've been there myself, so I understand how that goes. Take all the time you need, and if you decide that the best decision for yourself is to leave entirely, yeah, I understand. I wish you the best, man.

[FreshBritishSalmon]

As I have said on countless occasions, and I will say countless more, RL and, more importantly, your health and wellbeing takes complete precedence. You take all the time you need.

[PurpleMage]

Okay, this might feel a little bit out of the blue or quick to reach since I posted here less than 10 days ago, but my struggle had been going for way longer so here I am again willing to come up straight with some more insight about my situation and my fight against depression.

I have a tendency to let my own habits destroy me. This means I am unable to achieve fulfillment or happiness with anything for more than a couple months. My mind tends towards compulsiveness in any form of hobby. That’s why I have always been so wary of substance use in any form. Unluckily, this problem permeates everything, from my work to my hobbies and all the stuff I do at home.

This means the things I do are at high risk of becoming compulsive for me, I obsess with them for some time which can go from a couple weeks to months and then it turns to ash in my mouth leaving nothing but bitterness and self-defeat until I fully leave it. This happens with everything that isn’t social related in my life.

I write this because this problem of course involved my participation on this site. I was pretty active and involved in multiple threads for some time, I would even say that I bit off more than I could chew sometimes, and then after some time motivation dropped and guilt took control when I started delaying people’s threads.

I have been examining my role on this for some time. With the help of my therapist and my meds I have been sorting things out for some time and I have reached some conclussions, but I will only share here the ones relevant to my place on this site. The main one is that well, yeah, I enjoy the site and I consider it a cool form of expressing some of my hobbies.

Me rediscovering my liking of this site means I have a renovated desire to remain here, but there are some things I have thought about and are going to be different. In a way I’m going to structurally change the way I relate with the site and other users. My roadmap would be this one:

First of all, I will reexamine the ammount of time and effort I dedicate to this site in a daily basis. This means I will take less time here to make the minutes writing more meaningful.

From this we come to the obvious outcome that I will be reducing my amount of threads. I don’t plan to leave anyone hanging so I will try and finish everything I started, but after that I will limit the amount of threads I take.

Third, I will prune my character roster. When I started compulsively going here I started feeling that quantity goes over quality. Hence I started having more and more characters and right now I don’t think I feel attuned to some of them, so after their current threads are done I will make them retire or offer them into adoption. This takes me to the next step:

Fourth, I will start giving more meaning to all my time here. My threads would limit to the very specifics I really enjoy, the characters I like writing and I will limit it to the stories I want to create. I think compromising more with myself in this matter would make more worthwhile and fulfilling my time online.

With this I’m only trying to say that I’m slowly figuring things out, to thank everyone involved with me for the patience and to hope we can still share stories in the future.

Thanks again and see you around.