Borat's Bizarre Adventure

[Ichi]

NOTE: I'm just fooling around here.

     An ambiguous form floated in the clear blue waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Amidst the rolling of the waves, the form was quite difficult to make out. But the eagle-eyed captain of the approaching cruise ship managed to notice it just in time—and the cruise was on a direct collision course with the object. Most likely, the form in the water was some sort of marine animal, like a dolphin or a whale. The captain almost decided to ignore the object and carry on: after all, whatever that thing was, it would be no match for the underside of the vessel, which would almost assuredly rip it to shreds.
     Still, the idea of nonchalantly plowing through a piece of marine life did not sit well with the captain. People tend to get pissed when you eviscerate dolphins with massive man-made pieces of floating metal, he figured. A real pain-in-the-ass. Enough of a pain-in-the-ass that it likely outweighed the pain-in-the-ass that would result from moving this damn cruise ship out of the fucking way.
     So the captain gave the order to adjust course. The dolphin, or whatever that thing was, would catch a break. Not that it mattered to the captain: moral grandstanding aside, the captain figured, no one actually gave two shits about dolphins—it was simply in-vogue to pretend to care about shit.
Kids these days, he thought, shaking his head in disproval. Back in his day, people were not hypersensitive, histrionic attention seekers like kids were nowadays. A dead dolphin was a dead dolphin, not a fucking martyr that you pretend to care about to earn brownie points with your peers.
     "Captain Boomer! Come quick!" A young crew member had burst into the observation deck, sweaty and out of breath.
     "The hell are you on about, lad? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?! If this were the old days, I would—"
     A scream erupted from outside right as the crew member was starting to recoil from Captain Boomer's diatribe. Captain Boomer stood in silence for a moment before emitting a growl. "This better be fucking good," he spat. The old curmudgeon, who was aptly named Captain Boomer, slowly rose from his chair and exited the observation deck. The crew member led the captain to the side of the ship and pointed at a spot in the water. A spot that was occupied by a man.
     The man was floating face up. At first, Captain Boomer did not recognize him. But that infamous visage could not escape him for long: he quickly realized that the man in the water was Borat Sagdiyev, documentary maker turned LAW wrestler.

[Ichi]

     Some poor sap got cajoled into jumping into the water and retrieving Borat's body—too bad the kid did not know how to swim. By the time someone thought to throw in a life preserver, the kid had nearly drowned. After the kid stopped coughing his lungs up, he tried to get back onto the boat, only for Captain Boomer to obstinately demand that he retrieve Borat's body first.
     Miraculously, the kid—who was still half-choking on seawater—managed to drag Borat's body back to the boat. There was one problem though: getting Borat's body back into the boat. A handful of crewmembers discussed the matter for several minutes, only for Captain Boomer to make a suggestion.
     In the end, the crew of the ship decided to lower a chain with a small hook affixed to the end into the water. The kid from earlier, who was still in the water, looped the hook around the two straps of Borat's green mankini

. Once secured, Borat's body was hoisted up. The straps of the mankini held up, but they stretched under the weight of Borat's body. As a result, Borat's dong was visible to hundreds of onlookers.
     Interestingly, despite many witnesses, there was no consensus as to how big Borat's manhood actually was. Some said that he was hung like a horse, his dick as thick and long as a can of Pringles. Others claimed its size was more akin to a baby carrot, information which would ostensibly be at odds with how much "sexy time" Borat had allegedly participated in. Either way, Borat's true size was seemingly indeterminate, as if he possessed Schrödinger's dong.

[Ichi]

     Borat's body was carelessly dragged over the railing at the edge of the deck. His body hit the deck with a thud, limbs splaying out haphazardly. Several people had gathered around and were leaning over Borat's body. The skin on Borat's face had a corpselike pallor, much like the rest of his body. The body lay motionless and limp, with no discernible signs of life.
     "'Tis a shame," spoke Captain Boomer as he shook his head. "Take him to the morgue."
     Then, Borat's body twitched. A quick, quiet moan seemingly escaped the body's lips.
     "Perhaps he isn't dead after all," remarked Captain Boomer.

[Ichi]

     "One-and...—two-and-three-and—" The sound of quasi-rhythmic counting was drowned out by the sound of Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gee's blaring over the speakers. A scantily clad man with visible chest hair lie on a checkerboard of black and white ceramic tiles. Straddling the man was a busty woman dressed in a revealing caricature of a stereotypical nurse's outfit.
     "—four—" "Ah! Ah!" "—and-five-and—" "Ah!" "—six-seven—" "Ah!" "—and—" "Stayin' alive! Stayin' ali—"
     CRACK!
     The sound of Borat's sternum fracturing terminated the supposed nurse's arrhythmic counting. With a look of abject horror on her face, the nurse stared down at her hands which were currently sinking into Borat's hairy chest.
     "Shit! Shit! SHIT!" she yelled as she frantically looked around the room for witnesses.

[Ichi]

     There were no witnesses. The area was clear.
     "WHERE THE FUCK IS BORAT?!" yelled Captain Boomer in the distance.
     Well, almost clear. People were frantically looking for Borat, it would seem.
     The woman next to Borat, who was named Amy, was an actor that LAW had hired to pretend to be part of the medical team. Something something nurse fetishism. But Amy, being all bust and no brains, thought that she was actually a nurse.
     Well, truth was, Amy was not exactly stupid. She just had a supreme lack of common sense. Somehow, she did not realize that it was not her job to actually treat any patients. And that she was not supposed to haul a patient off to some unknown location, thus preventing actual medical personnel from treating said patient. But somehow, she had enough smarts to know that a defibrillator might come in handy here. Amy left the room, and returned a while later with a defibrillator.
     "I'll save you mister!"
     She began reading the instructions on the defibrillator. As per the instructions, she shaved Borat's hairy chest before applying the electrodes. All the while, Amy straddled Borat's torso.
     "Shock not advised!" blared the defibrillator.
     Amy pushed the shock button anyways while still straddling Borat. Nothing happened. She frantically slammed the button repeatedly. After the one-hundredth button push, something within the defibrillator broke. An electric shock shot through Borat, and some stray current flowed through Amy's womanhood. She let out an orgasmic cry as she came, her panties becoming soaked with her womanly fluids.
     This time, it was something within Amy that broke. She needed more. She began frantically pushing the shock button on the defibrillator, hoping to get another shock.
     The defibrillator initially refused to cooperate. But thirty button presses later, something broke within the defibrillator. It started freely giving out electric shocks, causing Borat's body to tense with each shock and inducing orgasm after orgasm in Amy.
     "Shock—sho—shock not—not—advised! Shock advise—not—shock advised!" The defibrillator was going haywire, somehow broken from Amy's relentless button pushing!
     "GUUAAAHHH!" Borat's eyes shot open, his body resuscitated from the defibrillator. He blinked several times before speaking. "Electric shocks. Very kinky! I like!"

[Ichi]

     Borat looked down at his chest, which was covered in Amy's arousal. "Very nice! Juice of vagene is very conductive! Help with defibrillate!"
     "Shock advised! Shock advised! Shock advised!"
     Amy pushed the shock button once again, sending herself into yet another orgasm and Borat into cardiac arrest. Amy slumped forward, barely conscious and spent from all the times she came. Her breasts landed on Borat's face, smothering him while he lay on the ground in cardiac arrest! If someone did not come soon, Borat could die, either from asphyxiation or cardiac arrest!