Check Ups and Check Downs

[LtLukas]

Jessica withdrew a little bit when the shrink sat next to her. When she moved close to someone, it was usually to attack them, and she had that notion crystallized within her. But Dr. Lilly didn't. She hugged her. Jessica could honestly not remember the last time that someone had hugged her and appreciated the gesture greatly.

"Well, I mean, had the situations been reversed, had I been stronger than Lilliana, I would have done the same thing. And I remove women's clothes at any and all opportunities. And it's fucked up, I guess, but I am not going to stop. I just hate that it happened to me." Jessica sank back in her chair.

"And if I don't talk about it now, when the fuck am I going to talk about it?" Jessica's tone was easy, almost casual now. "So, I dunno. I have thrown myself at the weight room to try and get over it, but uh, I guess I am not quite over it yet."

[Dubski]

Lilly Becker released her hug when Jessica began to speak and then continued to sit beside her, simply listening to the girl as she spoke. The blonde didn't necessarily approve of the things that Jessica was saying, but she understood the nature of LAW and she's been in her share of scraps like that in the past, but there was a lot to unpack with what the purple-haired girl was saying, so she patiently waited and nodded in understanding until she was done.

"Hmm..." started Lilly, thinking about how to tackle this. It was always an analytical 'game' of sorts, thinking multiple steps ahead to help her clients in this way. And eventually Dr. Becker landed on her question. "That's quite a bit. I can understand all of that, Jessica, to a degree. But could you try to help me understand more? You say you hate that this happened to you. Tell me about why you hate that, and how it makes you feel." It was a simple approach, but it opened many avenues to continue after an answer was given.

[LtLukas]

Lilly appeared to be listening, which was nice. There was something to be said for shouting into a mic and giving an interview to someone, but this seemed more intimate, more like Jessica could make some progress on the multitude of problems that she had. This could be a safe space for her, the only one that she had ever had in her life. She breathed in, and thought about how she was going to navigate this. There was still some lingering doubt in her mind, but there was always going to be doubt.

"Well, it made me feel like I was weak. And I hate feeling weak. All my life I wrestled and the only point of wrestling was to win." Jessica took another breath. "But that isn't all of it. If you're so weak, you can't even protect your dignity, what are you? You aren't a big bad wrestling chick. You're a punk. That's it." Jessica gestured with her arm to show how serious she was at dismissing this weakness.

[Dubski]

Lilly Becker smiled sympathetically at Jessica's plight, continuing to listen quietly as she spoke. When she finished, the psychiatrist took a moment to collect her thoughts before she replied. "You know, I have a competitive streak myself. I love to win. I get frustrated when I lose. I've learned to be a graceful loser, but I am always kicking myself in private," explained Lilly, smiling a bit. "It's natural to be upset at failure. If you weren't, I'd question your dedication. How people deal with it is very different. Some people, like you mentioned, dedicate themselves harder to the gym. I, personally, go out for a nice dinner and drinks. Malibu Barbies are great for curing any sadness," noted the blonde, a cheerful smile on her face for that moment.

"But then there's protecting your dignity, and to that end, I need to ask... What do you consider weakness? Because I think the fact that you are dedicating yourself to go out there and fight again, and that you've come here to talk to me about this makes you rather strong, Jessica," explained Lilly. "And I suppose, if you don't see it that way... How would you prove you would be strong?"

[LtLukas]

Jessica looked at her psychiatrist with narrowed eyes. She had long pondered on this question, but she didn't quite know how to put it into words. Strength was the image of dragging the lion back from the hunt, with a bloody spear in your hand. Weakness was not being able to enforce your will on whatever the situation was, making you a potential victim of whatever the worst actor in the situation wanted to do. Those concepts flashed across her mind, and she opened her mouth. The words, however, were not coming out.

She closed her mouth again, and tried to find what she wanted to say. "Strength." She said the world low and brusquely, as if it were a simple declarative statement. "Strength is being able to control the situation, and make it so that everything is doing what you want it to." She was sitting up, and had her fist clenched. Jessica then sat back in her chair and put her hands behind her head. "Weakness is just the opposite. Not being able to ensure that your volition is the only one that matters."

[Dubski]

Again, Dr. Becker waited patiently for Jessica to finish with a polite smile on her face. Jessica had her own idea of strength, and she was definitely thought it was interesting. The blonde didn't necessarily disagree with her idea of strength, but she thought it might be able to use some tweaking. "I think those are very good definitions, Jessica. But I do have some issues with them," said Lilly, smiling warmly at the purple-haired wrestler.

"It seems rather binary, don't you think? It sounds like you think strength can only happen with success. And weakness can only happen with failure," explained Becker with a diplomatic tone to her voice. "Now, if strength is about being able to control the situation and weakness is not being able to, it doesn't make strength seem all too effective when everything else is just no control. For instance: if strength in wrestling is being stronger than the other person, that would make them immediately weak. But if you, say, beat this Lilliana girl, does that mean you're strong and she is weak now? And if so, how strong does it make you for beating a weak person now? And wouldn't that mean you have lost to a weak person--and if so, where would that have left you in the first place?"

Lilly let out a soft laugh, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I'm rambling. But do you understand what I'm trying to get across here?" asked Dr. Becker, hoping that Jessica could at least follow her logic.

[LtLukas]

Jessica cast a side eye at the doctor as she talked about control. It was absolutely anathema to the Violent Violet that there could be a situation that was outside of her control. And if there was such a situation, then Jessica was going to attack and intimidate and harass until it was under her control.

"That's the thing. I am not going to accept the fact that I can't control certain things. Everything is under someone's control. It might as well be mine. And I just need to get stronger and stronger until I get there." Jessica had formed a fist with her hand, but kept it close to her hips. Her large biceps were flexing.

"What do you mean? It is the place of the strong to beat the weak. Why would things be any different? If I had beaten her, then she would be weak, yes. But she wasn't. So why does it fucking matter?" Jessica's eyes were half closed, and Jessica looked at the doctor suspiciously. Either she gravely misunderstood Dr. Becker, or she would have to reevaluate a lot of things. And she would rather perish than have another way of thinking of things.

"No, I don't understand you at all." Jessica shook her head as she spoke.

[Dubski]

Lilly Becker smiled at Jessica, even as she seemed to get upset at her. She brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and then rested a hand on Wright's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. "Jessica, I'm not attacking you. I'm not opposing you. We're just talking," she said calmly. The blonde would then take a breath and lower her hand, resting it in her own lap. "The point I'm trying to make is... I think there are layers or weakness and layers of strength. You can't always be the strongest. You'll have some weakness, Jessica. It's inevitable. Everyone in the world has moments of weakness, or things that they can't always control."

Dr. Becker took off her glasses, giving Jessica a more serious look and continued. "I admire you, Jessica, in a lot of ways. You are an extremely strong woman. But if you don't allow yourself to accept weakness at times, I fear that might consume you. It's a dangerous path to walk. And it's not something that is easy. It will never be easy. But... that's why we're here. To work through it. And I think that's something you can work through. If you allow yourself to." Lilly smiled reassuringly at the purple-haired girl, hoping that something she said had resonated more with her client.

[LtLukas]

Jessica looked over at Lilly and saw that she was smiling, which eased her heart for a little bit. There was no need for all that, she thought for a second. They were in a doctor's office, not a wrestling ring. It seemed to Jessica that maybe her family was right, and that there were some things that she could talk her way through. She breathed in deeply. The Violent Violet did not like admitting that she was out of her depth, and she was thinking of ways she could get around saying that.

"I don't like having any weaknesses. Not at all. Look where that got me." Jessica threw her hands up in resignation. She sighed. "I dunno. I feel like I have been walking a dangerous path my entire life. I dunno how many other paths I have in front of me." The Violent Violet slumped against the chair.

[Dubski]

As usual, Lilly continued to politely listen, offering a sympathetic look this time. She was happy she could at least calm Jessica down and get her to temper her anger. She, at the very least, was very good at that. Dr. Becker would then nod in understanding. "I know what that's like--having weakness. And... yes, sometimes the stakes of that weakness are worse. But think of it this way: you weren't weak. You were just not as strong, on that day. And there is no shame in that, Jessica." Lilly paused and then added, "And you have a lot of paths you can take--there's never a single path."

The psychiatrist held up a hand and then scooted back slightly, smiling warmly at the wrestler. "In that regard, let's shift gears a bit: I want you to tell me a weakness you have that doesn't have anything to do with wrestler, working out, or anything of that like. Just some kind of weakness you have otherwise." She looked eager to hear Wright's response, thinking she might be able to get somewhere further if they moved on from the fixation on wrestling right now.