L.A.W. - League of Anime Wrestling

Luk i think you're and awesome rper and wish we could do something together in on point

That feel when you want to improve as a writer but people like you too much

LtLukas wrote: ↑

Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:08 am

That feel when you want to improve as a writer but people like you too much

I'd give it a genuine shot, but I don't know what I could tell you to improve upon. That being said, I'm not an English major and writing isn't my forte so I feel the gap between our skill levels as a writer inhibits me from giving you genuine pointers and feedback upon which you could improve. It's not just liking you a lot. You're a good writer. And we'd need to find someone better than you to give you useful advice.

Hello.

Since this thread is to give or receive CONSTRUCTIVE criticism from others I wanted to use this. So, in other words, I would like or better appreciate it when you guys could tell me what I am doing wrong and how I can get better.

Rougue wrote: ↑

Fri Aug 24, 2018 7:43 am

Despite her confidence that she would be able to make a comeback, it wasn't easy. She highly underestimated the blackhead. Laura thought that with her martial arts skills this smug would be a piece of cake but she underestimated the experience of Micaiah. Now because of that, the brunette was at a heavy disadvantage. Her body might be in pain right now but she was a hardcore fighter. So giving up just because of this wouldn't really be fitting in her opinion. Laura just had to find a good opportunity to strike back.

Micaiah quickly followed up as Laura moved backward. As she was then close enough Laura would see how her opponent's leg got raised into the air and then down at the direction of her breasts. The brown-haired woman didn't want to make it too easy for the black head. Instead of taking again pain in her chest Laura would put her arms in front of her chest to make a shield against this attack.
"Nghhh..."
The brunette would groan from the impact but luckily she could shield herself from the most pain.

"You should really shut up. I might have...Ghhh...underestimated you but it is...Mmmm...quite different. I am not the one who isn't a match...Ngh...for you and I will show you this."
Laura would say and bite her teeth together. The pain wasn't small but the thought of losing against someone like this was even more painful. So the UK woman would bite into her left arm and try to calm down. Then she would attempt to make a side roll and create more space between her and Micaiah. If this would work Laura would try to get slowly on her legs again so that she could face this whore head on.
"You should try harder next time or this match will take a while."

Let's break this down.There are a few things that were good here, and a few that could be improved. One of the things that I like here is that you have a lot of juxtaposition. For example, she wanted to give up, but she was hardcore. She had a lot of skill but she underestimated the opponent. I think this does a lot of good in terms of raising the tension, even inside a specific post. It lets people look forward to the conclusion - which one is going to win out?

I think something that you may want to work on is changing up your vocabulary. I find it useful to have a thesaurus open when I am writing, just to make sure that I am utilizing an expansive lexicon. I count three uses of the word underestimated. You can say things like misjudged, was thrown off by, etc. etc.

Something that I think you did well is your use of sensory words. For example, throughout the whole post, we can tell exactly what your char is physically feeling. She bites her arm, she feels pain. I think this is quite good, but you may want to expand out. Whenever I want to add some more detail, I always go back to the five senses. What is she hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling, or seeing? You did well here, which is why I think you may be better doing it even more.

Rougue wrote: ↑

Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:33 am

Despite being an accident Nathalie's knee paid off pretty good. Her leg, however, got a bit injured in the process but it hit the blond wrestler much worse. Having her opponent stunned was quite good because the bluenette would use this opportunity to her advantage. Ducky groaned on the canvas and it seemed like she would stay there for a bit longer.

"But he felt kinda hard. I mean did you ever get hit by your own head. You should try it and tell me then again it doesn't hurt."
Nathalie would reply jokingly again to her opponent and got to her legs. Without much resistance from her foe, Nathalie managed it to take the blond's legs under her control for a leg lock.

As soon as the leg lock got applied Ducky screamed in pain. Well, having someone's legs trapped must be a real torture for them. Nathalie would show less empathy for Ducky. She remembered on the abdominal stretch she got. It still hurt slightly so she was even kinda enjoying it to see Ducky in this position.

"And? How long do you think you are able to endure this?"
Nathalie would ask and keep the hold-up as long as she could do get out the most damage to weaken Ducky even more for now or maybe when the half-german would get lucky, for the rest of this match.

One of the things that I think you do well is that there is always a very clear 'why'. She remembers the ab stretch, so she enjoys it more. The accidental knee was good because she now had the opportunity to attack. The logic of the situation is ultimately pleasing to the reader. Despite the chaos of the real world, we want to see reason in our entertainment.

One of the things that I think you can improve upon is the 'how'. For example, here it says that your char managed to execute a leg lock. While I can picture it in my head, I think this scene would really come to life if you break it down a bit further. "Nathalie bent to her task, seizing Ducky's leg in her hand. With a few deft and concerted movements, the half-German woman twisted one leg over the other, rendering her opponent helpless in a leg lock."

LtLukas being helpful! Unlike the too nice to do anything mod XD (and now as I await my untimely death anyone want to take a crack at my writing?)

That was actually a lot different than I expected it to be. ^^

Thank you, Lukas, for your honesty.

okay then. anyone want to talk smack about me?

HIT ME UP WITH CRITICISM DADDY LUKAS!

Taskmaster12 wrote: ↑

Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:04 pm

"Ive been solving these kinds of conflicts for a long time now. It's all about finding the right time to strike, exploiting your opponent's weakness and punishing them where it hurts, trust me I'm more then prepared for the tasks that come with the job." Haruka gently took her new key and examined it like Into was someing precious in itself, maybe it was to her but soon enough she pocketed the price of metal as she curtly nodded in her bosses presence. With how much she was pushing this she had to wonder how often she had been attacked, and potentially beaten.

One of the things that I liked here is that it is super obvious what your character is thinking the whole time. There is some impetus for her actions. There are looming attacks and losses somewhere in the distance, and it is something that the character is worried about. We are tacitly informed of the character's confidence. It is neat.

Something that needs improvement is the fact that this could be a little bit longer, and more descriptive. Okay, she examines it like it is something precious. But what does she see? In what ways could these attacks come? Give some examples of how much she is pushing. There are a lot of things that are somewhat in the air here, and I am not entirely sure that is what you were going for. Just make it a little bit more concrete.