Scratching the Surface

[Malkavia]

Shimmerlace crinkled her nose, rubbing her lower lip as she thought. "Now that is a good question." Her eyes turned down to consider Yuki from across the table. She was surprised to find this kind of insecurity in someone as dominant in their field as Yuki, but she knew better than to show it. Her face remained friendly and flat. The real question was how honest she should be in her response.

"Mmm. I do understand. It's like, if you're gonna stand at the edge of a cliff and take a long dive, you wanna be fuckin' sure your bungee chord isn't gonna snap, right? And when that 'chord' is your own spirit and metal, the idea it might drop you has particular bite. It's one thing to tumble because of fate; it's another to splat because you're inescapably weak. Down to your marrow."

Shimmerlace poured the last shot of sake into her ochiko. Instead of drinking it, however, she twirled it in the cup, looking down as she considered it.

"Still, I personally got all the assurance I need. Namely, I'm assured that it's less if I'm gonna tumble and more when I'm gonna tumble. You catch my drift?" The Feychild looked up from her glass. The flickering light from the lamps made Yuki's face flicker bright and dim, but still. She could make out more details on her face than she ever had occasion for in the ring. She traced them over, memorizing just how she looked. "If it's my fate to fail — and it is everyone's fate to fail come hither or come yonder — then I might as well do it in way those fucks out in the seats are gonna carry with them the rest of their lives. I find once that's the view I take, the phantom of failure gets a lot smaller than, if you'll pardon the elevation of my diction, the unbearable weight of time shrinking. And then it's easy." A pause followed that—one which, as it stretched, made Shimmerlace laugh, then smirk. "Or—well. Easy enough, let's say."

"In fact, I actually find betting on myself kinda fun. There's a Hell of an adrenaline rush to that bungee chord dive and not knowing whether its your face or the rock what's gonna crack." Finally, Shimmerlace gulped down the last of her sake. With a satisfied sigh, she leaned back in her chair. "You ever feel that kinda...fun in falling?"

[CaptainL]

"I mean, I...guess." Yuki bit her lip, tenting her fingers as her arms hugged a little closer together and her feet drummed nervously on the floor below. She didn't like admitting these things - confronting her own insecurities head-on. If she could at least deal with them from a distance, she could put them out of mind. She wouldn't need to worry about them as long as they weren't staring her in the face; she'd address them when she came to it. Even if that always seemed like that was some time away, no matter how much time passed.

But this was different. Shimmerlace had forced Yuki to confront her feelings face to face. Even now, in a time where she thought she was going to get away from the unpleasant realities of her life, the questions and the worries and the uncertainties lurking around every corner, they had come to sneak up on her. She really couldn't be safe from it, she felt. It didn't help that Shimmerlace had seemed to touch on just what she had been feeling all this time. She'd put her feelings into words...even if she'd expressed them more...dramatically than Yuki could ever do.

"I just...don't want to be weak. I know what it feels like to be strong, because I've been there, and...I can't seem to go back to it. It always turns around and bites me. Even when I, uh...when I beat you..." She looked down and took a pause, knowing full well how Shimmerlace probably wasn't too thrilled about being reminded of that moment. "It wasn't really on my own merits." At the least. she knew better than to invoke Angelina Tarrant by name. "That didn't really do it for me as much as it could've. As much as I wanted it to."

When she brought up fate, Yuki had to wince. She bit at the inside of her cheek, her body stiffening. Thinking about fate only brought her worries into a stark new light. She couldn't say she was the type to believe in fate, but...if it was real, what did that mean? Were all her shortcomings and struggles a sign that she wasn't meant to do better? That she wasn't supposed to know greatness again?

"...I kind of wish I could do that, actually," she said with a sigh. "To just...put myself in fate's hands, and roll with the punches. To...enjoy falling. It must be a big weight off your shoulders, but I just...get burned if I can't be enough. Do you, uh..." Yuki's eyes flitted back and forth between Shimmer and the table; she wanted to address her more closely and more directly, and yet she was afraid to look into her eyes for too long, lest she see too far - for either of them. "Don't you ever feel like fate is...unfair to you? If you don't like what your fate is supposed to be, what then? What if fate tells you you're a failure?"

She was half inquiring, half asking for advice. And the whole time, she was looking over her shoulder in case the specter of anxiety came up to stab her in the back. Even now, she couldn't help but fear she wouldn't like the answer.

[Malkavia]

"Well, I'm sorry my performance left you undersatisfied Yuki." She regretted the words once they were out—sort of. Well, more she regretted the tone she allowed to creep in under the words. She stuck her tongue into her cheek and bit it, looking off into the ficus trees, before continuing on in a softer tone. "I'll admit. Meeting the hard ground has its bitter taste. Particularly the disappointment it brings to..." Her voice trailed. She spun her finger over the rim of her cup, head back as looked to the roof. "Those whose admiration you might wish to court."

"As for unfairness, well—" As her eyes came back to Yuki, Shimmer felt her tone starting to gallop off without her again. She gave a tug on its leash and spoke her next words slowly. "Yeah. Of course. Unfairness, I suppose, is just. The noise of life. Not to be a sore loser, but when you say you didn't win on your 'merits' I'm left feeling a bit..." Ah, the delicate bit. Shimmer's eyebrows raised, and she forced a crook of a smile, then started to feel the grin she was wearing. A splat was a funny kind of thing after all. "Insulted, I s'pose?"

"I mean what, you think I lost 'cause Angie dearest decided to come play? If I can't handle our Scarlet Terror's bullshit, that's as on me as anything can be. No more unfair than you having better genes or whatever the fuck talent's made of. And anyway—I needn't tell you I wasn't exactly knocking the gates down before she showed up."

She wanted to add And I'm not gonna whine about any of it, but thought better of it. She realized just how—delicate Yuki looked. It reminded her of a Glass Menagerie kind of character. All these ambitions to be strong again, it seemed, felt to Yuki like glass unicorns. Knock the dream funny and the horn comes off. As big as Shimmerlace talked, that did touch something in the fairy. Something blue.

"Aaaanywho." Shimmerlace clapped her hands together, drawing herself and Yuki back to center. "More important point." She picked up the empty cup and pointed at it. "This is the best sake you can get in this entire entertainment district."

"It's a clean, crisp taste with just a subtle touch of sweetness. Smooth finish, and layers of texture to the taste. If you listen, you can taste stardust in it, I swear." She let the moment linger for half a second, then put the cup down in front of her, adjusting it to be just in the center of her place mat. "I just came off one of the most humiliating losses in many a month, and I've had a string, dear. That one's gonna have me rethinking a lot as I come to face Angelina. But none of that stopped me from appreciating every. Second. Of this drink."

Once again, Shimmer's eyes slipped from the cup back to her partner. "Sure I can't persuade you try some, when Kimi gets back?"

[CaptainL]

Almost immediately after she'd let the words leave her mouth, Yuki went tense, her body going stiff as her hand clenched into a fist. "N-No, it's not that-!" she blurted out, sitting straighter in her seat. Even talking about it at all made her wince - she didn't see how this conversation could go anywhere but places she would feel awkward discussing in front of Shimmerlace. She especially didn't want the girl to blame herself for what had happened - that, after all, had been outside of her control. "It...wasn't your fault..." But she stopped, then, as Shimmerlace said one other thing - about disappointing the people whose admiration one was after. Her eyes lingered on Shimmer a moment longer before she glanced away with a blush. Despite her best efforts to tell everyone she was just an ordinary girl, every so often, Yuki was confronted with a reminder that, yes, she really had achieved something far beyond anyone's hopes and dreams; that she was an inspiration. And now, she was seated right across from someone she did mean all of that to. It was overwhelming to think about - how many people were watching her, how many people cared about her. And, as Yuki was far too aware, that just put all the more pressure on her to do right by them - to be someone worth watching.

But even if Yuki was trying to dance around the topic of Angelina Tarrant, it seemed that Shimmerlace didn't care. In fact, when she invoked the Marauder by name, Yuki's eyes went a little wider. It was so soon after the match, she thought, and the match had been such a devastating one, she would have expected Shimmerlace to shrink away from the very mention of her opponent. It was certainly what she would have done, if she was forced to think about one of her most shameful defeats. But not only was Shimmer talking about it...she urged Yuki to take more credit for what she had done. At that, the dark-haired girl fell silent. Suddenly, it all made sense. How could she be someone worth caring about, she thought, if she wouldn't care about herself? If Yuki could only see her failings and brushed off every loss, never even acknowledging the good she'd done, it was no wonder she struggled. How could she ever get better if she couldn't move past her losses?

After a moment's pause, she nodded her head to Shimmer. She didn't say anything, but that gesture was enough - a sign that she had heard her. That she knew she was right. She really did need to stop blaming herself so much. She needed to accept what she'd done right.

And she could start right now.

As Shimmer went on about how good the sake was, Yuki rolled her eyes just a little. She brought her trademark eloquence and enthusiasm to the subject, which was to be expected, but with how much she hyped the drink up, Yuki could've been led to believe she was being paid to promote the cafe. Still...if that was her job, she was doing it well. She'd grabbed her interest, even if Yuki didn't drink much. And Shimmer was right - she had faced a crushing loss. No one could fault her for looking for solace in life, and it seemed she had found it. Yuki was looking for something better, too. What was stopping her from reaching out and taking it? It was like Satsuki had said - maybe she just needed to live a little.

At last, Yuki scooted her seat a little closer. "...maybe a little."

[Malkavia]

"Great. Perfect."

A pause followed. It was the first that had crept in since they had arrived at the restaurant...owing in part to Shimmerlace's ever-motorous mouth. But there was more to it.

"So, ehm..."

Fuck. She couldn't find the right track to pick back up. She'd run rough-shod over so much territory. That one little cut on the match was all it took to get her going on and on. And she couldn't exactly apologize—that'd just further sour the mood.

Well, what's an interesting tidbit we can pick up?

"You mentioned that, eh. You worry about being enough, right?"

Maybe a bit personal as a re-entrypoint. But by now, Shimmerlace was getting irritated with the little voice biting her at every bit of discomfort she managed to accidentally slide Yuki's way. She recalled the taste of sake and continued on sliding back into her own comfortable seat.

"Guess that seems simple enough in, like, a videogame. You build the stats or whatever to beat the boss and see the credits roll. But I imagine in life, enough is a bit more..." She gave a loosey goosey kind of wave of her fingers. "User-generated, shall we say. So. What's enough look like according to Yuki Kazikura?"

[CaptainL]

When Shimmer fell silent, so too did Yuki. Almost immediately, she was confronted by how stark and different it was, not having Shimmerlace waxing poetically about everything. Yes, Yuki had stopped in her tracks when she was confronted by her own thoughts before, but the real world still went on aside from that. But here? This time, Shimmerlace had just stopped. The room had never seemed as quiet as it was right now; the silence was all the more noticeable when it came in such contrast to what was there just a moment before.

And when the room went as silent as it did, Yuki couldn't help but feel like there was something wrong. For the first time since this conversation began, Shimmer seemed to have been rendered speechless. It just didn't seem right, coming from someone as talkative and expressive as her - Yuki was supposed to be the quiet one. And, as she felt the bile rising in her throat, Yuki was all too aware that she had been the last person to say anything before the pink-haired girl went silent. All because she couldn't stop pushing her about that match. Was it her fault?

Yuki didn't say anything, but the long sigh she let out, causing her shoulders to slump as her muscles went slack with the release of the tension, should have been enough to pinpoint the guilt she felt. When Shimmer changed the subject, Yuki felt just as much relief at the thought of putting it behind her.

"What...enough means to me? Well..." Even then, it wasn't exactly the easiest question; Yuki started twiddling a strand of her hair nervously between her fingertips to try and vent the pent-up energy. "That's kind of hard to say. I used to think that it would be when I was...winning more. Actually fulfilling the promises I set out to...because lately, it just feels like I've been hyping myself up for disappointment, too many times." Her face grew pale and her stomach took a turn as soon as she had said that. Confronting those feelings at all was bad enough. She really didn't need Shimmer to ask about any details.

"But I don't know. Maybe I'm asking too much of myself...maybe I just need to be happy with what I have, and what I can do. It's just...when you've been doing so well for what seems like all your life, and then suddenly you hit a roadblock, where do you go from there? It throws everything you knew about yourself into question. It makes you wonder what it was you were really doing so well in the first place. And if you can bring that back."

She sighed. "I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking it. But I guess you could say...even I don't know what 'enough' means for me, but I figure I'll know it when I see it. Maybe that's the problem."

[Malkavia]

"You'll know it when you see it. Mmm." Shimmerlace let that roll around in her noggin'. She let it all slide through her brain, seep into the cracks, spin over and glisten in the light. She'd gone to all this trouble to waylay Yuki from her night and sequester her off at a favorite restaurant. Her outburt reminded her—this was a rare chance. So listen.

"So. If I'm hearing ya right. There's a kind tug you feel. Like. A magnet. Drawing ya up and up and up, skyward, and it's not just irresistible. You don't want to resist. The glories are bright, and you get to give people a..." She squinted, snapping a finger as she looked for the word. She knew exactly the feeling she meant. You might call it an ooh and aah, except that didn't quite capture the look on a true believer's face when the rabbit pops out of the hat, does it? "Well, a...a pop, I guess. And yeah, slipping on the way up burns, but. You feel it's going somewhere. And if you fight, hard, maybe you'll get there. Even if you don't exactly know where there—"

The return of the waitress interrupted Shimmerlace's thoughts. "I apologize if I'm interrupting, miss, but. Are you ready to order?"

Shimmerlace blinked. She'd been stewing hard enough trying to say it right that she hadn't quite seen Kimiko creep up on them. She looked up at her acquaintance, mouth hanging slightly open. "Ah—right. Yes! Thank you Kimiko dear." Assuming that Yuki hadn't changed her mind on burger, she placed their two orders: Two burger specials, and another round of sake. Kimiko did not write down the order, but nodded seriously before nodding, giving a slight bow, and walking off to the kitchen.

Once Kimiko had gone, Shimmerlace returned her focus to the table. She made a puffing noise with her lips, drew a coin from somewhere, and spun it idly on the table. "Ah...wheeeere was I. Eh...Ah, yeah, right. So. Yeah. Have I got that more or less right, or am I way off?"

[CaptainL]

"A...tug..." Yuki hung off every word Shimmerlace said. She wasn't quite sure if she agreed with everything she was hearing from her. And yet, she wasn't sure how she would've wanted such things expressed. After all, Shimmerlace was analyzing Yuki's inner drives - her motivations, her wants and hopes and dreams. She was holding a mirror up to the parts of Yuki's soul that not even she, truly, knew how to put into words. At the least, her take on things was just as valid as anyone's. Maybe Yuki really would know it when she saw it. Maybe Shimmerlace already had.

But Yuki had never looked at this as something for the fans. She got plenty of cheers, yes. She had numerous publications covering her rise to glory as her athletic talent shone from a young age. Sometimes the amount of attention she was getting online alarmed her. But she was never after the cheers, or the press, or the attention - the pop. All that was a bonus, but a bonus she didn't bother letting herself get distracted with. What she was really after was that sense of accomplishment, that feeling that she was right where she needed to be - that she had found the place she fit in to the world. She was after validation.

But perhaps that tug, and that pop, was there after all. She was certainly working toward something, and there was something that never failed to thrill her when things came up in her favor. And that came from that same sense of validation - of security. Yuki might not have been looking for the fans' approval - but she certainly was looking for her own. She'd never thought about it that way...but it made sense. Though, even that thought left Yuki biting at the inside of her cheek. What did it say if she couldn't understand her own feelings before now?

She opened her mouth, about to speak, but right when she did, Kimiko made her presence known. Yuki scooted back in her seat, and a blush lit up across her face. "Er, sorry-!" She'd completely lost track of her surroundings, it seemed - she didn't know how long Kimiko had been in earshot, or how much she had heard. Considering how personal the conversation had gotten, she couldn't help but fidget a little nervously at the thought of it. Then again, the sight of the meal was enough to distract her from those thoughts. It did look good. "Thank you-!" she said, bowing to Kimiko.

Once Kimiko had stepped away, Yuki pulled her plate closer, going to take the first bite of her burger. A moment later - not without a bit of hesitation - she filled a cup with sake for herself. She might as well. But when her gaze returned to Shimmerlace, Yuki knew she had a conversation to return to, and she took in a deep breath, readying herself.

"I don't know if I agree with that, exactly. I'm not doing this to show off. I'm doing this because...it's what my passion is, and what I want to do with my life. It makes me feel fulfilled, to be suceeding like this. Or, at least...it did..."

The moment she said that, the dark-haired girl felt something drop in the pit in her stomach. Suddenly, she understood everything all too well. That was why it stung so badly when Yuki failed to live up to her own expectations for herself. If she couldn't validate herself through wrestling...where did she belong?

She couldn't linger on this for much longer. Looking to distract herself, she took a swig of the sake - and coughed a few times after. She really wasn't used to that. "...So, when do the owls come in?"

[Malkavia]

"The beasties will come once the food's gone. Wouldn't do for them to take a bite out of our meals, or..." She cracked a grin. "Take a wee shit in them. Birds, as you might well imagine, have some awful table manners."

Shimmerlace took the top bun off her burger, took a deep breath and appreciated the smell of the marinade, and smacked her lips. She picked up a fork and knife and started to cut into the meat—all while her mind trailed on how to respond to her companion.

A part of Shimmerlace wanted to argue with that detail about showing off. It reminded her of the kinds of things Yuki had said in the ring—a tendency to reduce the entire audience-artist relationship to bravado. But she swallowed that with her first chunk of meat.

Instead, she opted for a less direct approach. "Do you mind if I tell you about one of my passions, Yuki?"

[CaptainL]

"...Oh. Right. That's a good point, actually." As soon as Shimmerlace explained that the owls wouldn't arrive until they had eaten, Yuki felt just a little stupider, and a blush tickled her cheeks as she glanced aside. That should have been obvious. But then, she didn't get out quite as much as Shimmer did. Perhaps it was starting to show in how much more readily the Feychild took to the niceties of everyday life. At least, in terms of thse corners of everyday life that catered to the whimsy she preferred to live by.

She continued to chew her burger, swallowing a mouthful before stopping to wipe her mouth. But just a second later she had gone in for another bite. In fact, Yuki was quite enthusiastic when it came to her meals, despite her smaller size. She was already a few good-sized bites in by the time Shimmerlace was finished with the first. She couldn't help it - it wasn't often she had the chance to eat out like this, let alone in the company of others, or at such an esteemed cafe. When she had a moment to sit down, and some good food in front of her, she was going to indulge in it. "It's very good. You were right..." Yes, Shimmerlace might have seemed like she was trying to sell Yuki on something...but she didn't disappoint.

When Yuki did set her burger down, however, Shimmerlace brought up her passions - and the moment those words had left her mouth, Yuki's attention had been grasped. She scooted closer in her seat, leaning over the table to get a little closer to the pink-haired girl. It hit her then that in all the time she'd known Shimmerlace, it had all been business - her wrestling career, her future, her thoughts on the business, and what drove her in the ring. She'd come here to take a step away from the wrestling world, and to be an ordinary person for a little while. And yet, she'd barely gotten into what Shimmer was like as a person outside the ring. Outside the act, maybe...but then, Yuki wasn't convinced that it was an act, with how she was carrying herself. Still, now was her time to change that. Now was Yuki's chance to peer into Shimmerlace's soul, and she was curious as to what she'd find there.

"No, not at all. I'm curious."