Constructive criticism

[Taskmaster12]

I enjoyed mine and felt you did a great job selling the damage and not underplaying the character you were up agaisnt. I’d have to look over it more to give a more detailed criticism.

[ragaz]

anyone got anything to say about me?

[anime_hentaifighter]

Do wonder what you think of me.

As for most of the roleplayers here I think your amazing , and for those few I have not had the pleasure yet of roleplaying with I hope to chance that soon

[SimplePride]

What do any of you have to say about the Great WE ARE?

[LtLukas]

Let's bring this old thread back to life.

I've been making a serious effort to get back into things lately, now that most of my IRL issues have been handled and taken care of. How am I doing in terms of quality and such? People that I'm currently doing threads with, are you enjoying them? Would you do more with me in the future?

Lay it on me, yo.

Sure thing.

As soon as Origa went down, the audience began to rain boos and jeers down at Poison, angry with her underhanded tactics and especially her low blow. Poison didn't care, though. She shrugged off their hate, her attention fully focused on the Amazon in front of her. She was here to win, and she didn't plan on losing to some oversized bimbo like Origa. Besides, it was a cage match, and anything was allowed inside the cage. Poison was more than willing to take advantage of that fact. She was in her element here, and as far as she was concerned, that meant she had the advantage, size difference be damned.

Origa fell down to her knees, and Poison rose back up to her feet, sneering down at the giantess before her. Not wanting to give her a chance to recover and not wanting to relent against her, the pinkette quickly reached out, grabbing her by her long, dark hair, using it to hold her head in place. Then, naturally, the punk brought up her knee, trying to slam it right into the center of the woman's face, not offering her even the slightest hint of mercy.

Okay, so it is clear that Poison doesn't care. You explained that, but you really didn't show that. Did she smirk at the crowd, mocking the audience right back at them? Did she brush the hair from her face so she could more clearly see her opponent, who she focuses on in the next sentence? I think that is ample ground to explore how she doesn't care. You mentioned not caring in the post immediately prior to that, and I think we were primed to have it driven on home by how she acts.

Also your comma use here interrupts your flow a lot. The whole second paragraph here is a really cool scene - one woman charging forward, trying to seize on her advantage. Every single time we see a comma, we stop, which makes it a halting stuttering paragraph as opposed to one which is tight like an action sequence. If you were watching an action movie, I am sure you would be upset if they paused all the time, so please don't make the reader pause that much either.

I really like the emotion that you weave in here. I think you should try and show, but not tell more. There are a lot of physical descriptions here that reflect not only the scene but how Poison feels about the scene, and I would really like to see more of it.

[LtLukas]

anyone got anything to say about me?

I'll give it a shot.

This was extremely frustrating. Mizuki was so close to her first win in LAW but she chose to ignore the feeling of lust and pleasure, therefore she wasn't able to account for an orgasm that drained the last drop of energy. Now she knew that victory was impossible. What was even more frustrating was that her opponent, even after an orgasm had still enough energy to move. Mizuki was ready to give up any moment now. It was hard to even speak for Mizuki, she literally have everything she had in this fight, but it wasn't enough.

Takao even rolled mizuki off and was clearly setting up the finishing move. Mizuki saw no point to continue. "I.... I..." She tried to speak, but it was quite a chore to even breathe

That sentence was a good hook. I wanted to know why it was frustrating. Something that I think you could have done was portray whom it was frustrating for (I picked up that it was Mizuki in the next sentence, but I would have liked to see Mizuki physically react to that). Same thing with the victory is impossible - doesn't that suck? Does she want to frown or cry or scream? What does she do with all that energy that those emotions build up?

I also understood really well what was going on in Mizuki's head here, which helped me sympathize with the character a lot.

[LtLukas]

What do any of you have to say about the Great WE ARE?

I'm about it.

Rosie could very well end it here, but, she didn't really want to. She wanted to win using her finisher, so, against all logic, she let her opponent go, only to attempt to lock in her Finisher, a rear-naked choke called The Emerald Isle Experience

So first things first here, this is way too short. You have a lot of interesting things in here, all of which could be expanded upon. Why didn't she want to end it there? What was going through her head? Was she fearful, triumphant, proud? This has the opportunity to be something more meaningful. You could also go into more detail about how she let the opponent go, and how she goes about doing her finisher.

[SimplePride]

What do any of you have to say about the Great WE ARE?

I'm about it.

Rosie could very well end it here, but, she didn't really want to. She wanted to win using her finisher, so, against all logic, she let her opponent go, only to attempt to lock in her Finisher, a rear-naked choke called The Emerald Isle Experience

So first things first here, this is way too short. You have a lot of interesting things in here, all of which could be expanded upon. Why didn't she want to end it there? What was going through her head? Was she fearful, triumphant, proud? This has the opportunity to be something more meaningful. You could also go into more detail about how she let the opponent go, and how she goes about doing her finisher.

I asked for this, and I really shouldn't rebuttal, but...

I believe a lot of RPers turn me off because they meander on and on. They use 300 words when 3 would do. Now, I learned my lesson on giving my OCs more detail (Thanks Prince) Maybe that's the next step in the evolution of FTR, Someone told me that he/she could see me as a LAW powerhouse in a year or so. Maybe that's the final key to the puzzle, so to speak?

[overlordofkings]

I have to admit, I have been getting nervous about my abilities lately. I wouldn't mind an outside perspective if said nervousness is or isn't warranted.

[Noob]

I believe a lot of RPers turn me off because they meander on and on. They use 300 words when 3 would do. Now, I learned my lesson on giving my OCs more detail (Thanks Prince) Maybe that's the next step in the evolution of FTR, Someone told me that he/she could see me as a LAW powerhouse in a year or so. Maybe that's the final key to the puzzle, so to speak?

Just a point on this. While everyone has their own style, I think there's definitely a balance between writing 3 and 300 words. And I get the temptation to just get through things as quick as possible cause we all want to see the next response and finish our stories and such. Heck I certainly struggle with this as I've always had a pretty poor vocabulary and everything about my professional life training says "Write concisely and get to the point."

That being said, sure some people can over expand but I do think that opens you up to painting a nice picture in people's mind and expand upon what's happening. And let's be honest the longer responses are generally more fun to read within reason. Personally I prefer 2 short paragraphs but I know there are plenty people who prefer 1 and others that write a fucking novel (which I personally always appreciate even when I can't keep up myself)



Alright now that that's out of the way, a legit question about my writing. I know I use the same sentence structure a ton, particularly the following format where I just kinda add a bunch of stuff with that comma, sometimes relevant and sometimes perhaps not flowing a much as it should. I was just wondering if stuff like using the same structure over and over again ever bothered people to read.
stuff like this:
"The redhead would fall into the ropes rather ungracefully and face first, barely catching herself against them."

Also I was curious about people's thoughts on continually starting a paragraph with a character's name. Just another one of the many things im a bit self conscious of stylistically and was wondering if it bothered people to read / if there's a good trick to not wanting to do that other than "Just don't do it."