The match in question
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...Do I really have to do this?Unfortunately, the answer is yes. There are some days I wake up in the morning, excited to go to my job as a writer for LAW Magazine and spread the word about wrestling the way Gotch intended it. This is not one of these days.
The editors said they wanted to hear my opinions on this match. This match, out of all the matches they could've picked me for! Honestly, when something like that happens, I'm inclined to believe it was on purpose. And something tells me it has something to do with the new hiree I'm supposed to be mentoring - not by my choice, mind you! I'm not saying anything for sure, but when the new face around here starts throwing money around like there's no tomorrow, and singling me out every chance she gets...well, it makes you wonder! If I was allowed to use more colorful language in this article, you bet your ass that I would, but I'll just say for now, I do not consider this to be an amicable partnership!
Anyway, today we'll be talking about a "match" - I put it in quotes because I believe the term "embarrassment to the spirit of athleticism everywhere" is more accurate - that was originally booked as a reverse hentai match between Claire Thomas and Miyabi Mey. If you're wondering what a reverse hentai match is...for one, what are you asking me for? Look, there's plenty of websites out there that will give you exactly what you're looking for, without having to pretend to be a respectable wrestling promotion in the process! But, if you must know, it's a match in which the "winner" is whoever reaches climax first. You know, back home, they don't call that a match, they call that "sex." It's good to know they're not even pretending to be a competition any more! LAW's never booked a match like this before or since, and honestly, when even this promotion recognizes something as a bad idea, that says something! I would say I hoped this meant the genius who came up with this idea got rightfully fired for their incompetence, but they should have been fired the moment they saw fit to set foot in the LAW offices to begin with!
And you know what else? After saying all of that, I would rather watch the reverse hentai match than the travesty we got instead! Yes, LAW hires only the best and most elite of talents, which is why one of the women who was scheduled to be in the ring didn't even bother to show up! After Claire was already in the ring, Miyabi decided she didn’t feel like going to work that day, leaving the whole crowd of what I can only assume to consist mainly of unwashed basement-dwelling neanderthals waiting for a moment that never came. Well, we already know this garbage isn’t wrestling, now we can throw out the term “professional” as well!
So, what do they do next? Do they call off the match? Do they have someone sub in? Do they give these slack-jawed cretins who don’t realize they can get dirty magazines at any corner store their money back? No, see, any of those things would have been the reasonable thing to do, so of course LAW doesn’t do it.
Instead, they let a cat walk into the ring, because security can’t bother to round up a loose animal in an arena that, last I checked, didn’t even allow them on a leash, and make it part of the show! They started off by playing some ridiculous song I don’t even recognize over the speakers - is that what kids are listening to these days? Or is that what the kind of degenerates who paid to watch this event think passes for music? - and then, after the referee falls over like some rejected Buster Keaton act, they ring the bell.
What follows has to be the most insipid, bottom-of-the-barrel horse-hockey I’ve ever seen take place inside a wrestling ring, and I’m saying this when this goddamn company hires idols and models like it’s something to be proud of! Claire took off her bra without taking off her shirt, which might be a neat trick at a strip joint, but not in a match, and started waving it around for the cat to chase after. Okay, maybe that might be amusing in any other context - but even then, this went on for several minutes straight! Minutes! Come on, people, it’s not that amusing! Anyone who’s had a cat has seen that stuff! I would at least expect the people who think that having two naked ladies rub their crotches together counts as wrestling to get bored after a couple seconds, but it kept on going! I was just watching this crap on tape, and the only reason I didn’t fall asleep was because I was still aghast that this was even happening!
God almighty, the biggest pop of the match wasn’t even from anything they did! It was from some geek in the crowd who butted in with a joke that would’ve been booed out of most comedy clubs! At that point, why even hold the match at all, when anyone watching is going to be more entertained by their fellow hooligans? Not just that, but even Ms. Claire Dumbass here evidently thought it was so funny, she rolled over and let the cat climb on top of her - and the ref counted the pin! A grown woman had just gotten pinned by a kitten, in a major promotion at that!
Now, I speak on behalf of everyone here when I say: what the hell did I just watch!? Goddammit, if this is what passes for wrestling, I am ashamed to be involved in the wrestling business!
If you ask me, everyone here is at fault. Miyabi for not showing up to do even the stupid crap they were paying her sorry ass to do, Claire for letting this keep going, and LAW itself for treating this like an actual match. Goddammit, this is on her official win-loss record! Goddammit, the cat has an official win-loss record! If Claire Dumbass could get pinned clean by a kitten, how can anyone expect her to be taken seriously as a competitive athlete? How can anyone expect the sport of wrestling to be treated with respect if they let this freak show happen, and everyone gets away with it? Why did no one lose their job over this?!
I hate this match, I hate Claire Dumbass, I hate my life, and I hate whoever subjected me to this; you know who you are!
I need a goddamn beer!