“Through me the way into the city of woe
Through me the way into eternal sorrow
Through me the way among the people lost
Justice moved my architect; I was moved by
Divine Omnipotence, Ultimate Intelligence
and the Primal Love.
Only things eternal were made before me
And beyond time I stand:
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YOU WHO ENTER HERE”
-Inferno Canto III
These are the infamous lines that are inscribed on the gates of hell in Dane’s Inferno. Most only know the last line, and most don’t know that the Inferno is actually only one part of a greater piece, the Divine Comedy, which is divided into three parts, Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. But, today, were only focusing on part one, and the most well known part of the story. Today, we will take on the role of Dante and will bravely traverse the nine circles of Hell, but this time, we won’t find Anthony and Cleopatra, we will find our fellow wrestlers, receiving their just punishment by divine omnipotence, ultimate intelligence, and primal love (?).
As we pass beyond the gates with that sorrowful message above, we come the river Acheron. In the Inferno, Dante sees the punishment of the Uncommitted, those who didn’t take sides. Here we find…
No one.
Not a soul.
It seems the denizens of LAW have all made their choice clearly known. So, the ever fluttering banner waves sadly by, the wasps and hornets have all died of boredom, and Hell sees no reason to replace them. This is probably the only time we will see comfort in hell, as it is rather reassuring that everyone has made their decision well known, and there is no pesky “gray” area.
We hop aboard Charon’s boat, which ferries the souls to the shores of Hell proper. Even as we land on the shores of Hell, we still aren’t in Hell, if that makes any sense (it doesn’t) rather we are in the first proper circle of Hell, Limbo, were those Righteous Pagans reside, here lie souls who did not sin, but didn’t have the required faith. Here we find our first of our kind:
Arma-Gil-O
Gil is an innocent soul, but, without the proper faith, she is denied Paradise. However, not all hope is abandoned, contrary to what that gate told us. In the Inferno, “A mighty One, crowned with Victory, come and take those of the Old Testament up into Paradise, for the Way had been opened proper” In the Inferno, this, of course, was Jesus. Here…well, you be the judge. I have a good feeling Gil will see Paradise before long.
Well, it’s time we move on. After leaving Gil and Limbo behind we go to where Minos judges the damned, and puts them into their proper circle. Since we are sent here by divine intervention, we get to bypass Judgey McJudgeface (for now) and enter the Second Circle, the Circle of Lust. Wow, this place is crowded! Here the Lustful are whipped around in an eternal storm, as they themselves let their passions whip them around. We could probably see the entire roster here, but, we look through the crowded storm, and one figure pops out:
Reiko 'Rei' Tachibana
As she is, at the time of writing this, the Hentai Champion, it only makes sense for her to be here. When Dante hears the story of two cheating lovers, and hears their lamentations, he faints. Rei will get no such satisfaction. No one here will receive my pity, as this is the sin I’m most abhorrent of. It actually brings me joy seeing everyone suffer here.
Before we start jumping for joy, we shall go to the next circle, the circle for Gluttony. Here, sinners are punished by being forced to wallow naked in icy rain and mush, as they gave their body trash, they, in turn, receive trash here. As LAW wrestlers are in fairly good shape, this place feels rather empty. However, one figure seems to stand out:
Michelle Boschert
Judging by her waist line, and her bra size, she certainly knew how to put it away, now she lies in the filth she gave her body. As I personally have been known to go all in at certain BBQ restaurants throughout my home of Tennessee, the quicker we can leave this circle, the better. We give Cerberus a headpat before moving on.
We now find ourselves in the fourth circle, where Greed is punished. In Dante’s hell, the greedy are divided into two subsections: the Hoarders and Squanderers. They both push rocks at each other, and when they bump into each other, the yell at each other “Why do you hoard? Why do you squander?” Here among the damned, we see a certain supermodel:
Danielle Degardin
“What a mockery is made of the brief battle for possessions, that makes so short a life” Virgil tells us, and I couldn’t agree more. Greed is its own punishment, a never saturated hunger. The poor fool. Let us move on to the next circle.
Here we find ourselves on the River Styx, where an all out brawl is taken place. As we are all wrestlers here, this almost feels like home. Phlegyas is kind enough to lend us a ride over to the other side. While we watch the eternal melee, I see a face very familiar too me.
Alexia Snjór
As Dante met his rival here; I feel it only appropriate that I find my rival here. And, just like Dante, I find no small pleasure in watching the damned tear her apart. It’s a shame that such a beautiful body has to be attached to such a hateful woman.
We somehow make it into the City of Dis. Everyone who is reading this has heard the term “dissing someone” This is where that term originates. It was used to denote someone accusing another of Heresy, which, back then was a serious charge. Here we see the heretics burn in tombs. Here I find another blast from my ugly past.
Kiara Shioko
A woman dressed as a nun and doing the things she does deserves this horrific fate. She could’ve very well have only ended up in the above windstorm of lust, but, she just had to add the nun’s veil to her gimmick. Now she is burning forever. We are now entering the “willing” part of Hell. The second, third, fourth and fifth circle were “passive” sins, basically people who couldn’t control themselves. With Heresy and beyond, they knew. They all knew. And now they are receiving their just reward.
After passing through the city of Dis, we come across yet another river, this time a bright crimson river of boiling blood. We have made it to the River Phlegethon. Here suffers those who committed violence. Particularly those who committed violence against others, Here, the damned are submerged in the blood they shed, and here I see yet another ghost from the past:
Samantha Gang
Let it be known that I do not hate anyone, in fact, if anything, I pity those who find themselves here, and Sam has the most pity I can give to a damned soul. She might have a tragic back story, but, she knew her actions had consequences, now she is to be boiled for it. A centaur shoots an arrow at her for good measure (Did I mention they’re centaurs here? They are in the original text. I’m not kidding)
We leave the boiling river of blood, hop on Geryon and now find ourselves in the circle of Fraud. In the original text, there are ten parts (or Malebolge literally “evil ditches”) but, there is only one Malebolge that matters to us, the very last one, wherein lies the Falsifiers. Here I find what I hoped to be a future opponent:
Jeanne Le Pen
A woman who puts on a false persona for the world, and hiding within that persona is the biggest form of Fraud. And, yes, I suppose I am guilty of the same thing, but, my persona is holy. That is the difference. Here, she gets the pleasure of every disease known to man. Yes, even that one. Probably the most horrific fate if it weren’t for the last circle.
We now find ourselves in the ninth and final circle of LAW’s Inferno. Here, Traitors are punished. “Treachery lacks all love” Virgil tells us, and I’m going to have to agree with him. Here the traitors of history are frozen to various degrees in ice. Here, in the last leg of our weary journey we find a certain Berserk woman…
Serilda Akira
The “Berserk Liger” probably had one of the more dramatic heel turns in LAW’s history, and for what? A single match? I’ve lost more than you have, and I’m still the Holy One of LAW. If there was ever a soul more deserving of their punishment, it’s Serilda. I certainly hope the cold doesn’t bother you…
Thank you for taking this journey with me. Perhaps, you might see yourself in one of the circles below? Are you beyond redemption? Or are you willing to repent? This is a question you must answer for yourself.
-Isaiah “The Prophet” Bowen
