How to SURVIVE 10 LAW Animal Attacks

[dddybee]

Written by Alvin Simpson

Alvin Simpson: The Simping Writer

Danger Music

Hi! I'm Alvin Simpson! Everybody knows that when you go into the wilderness, you need to know how to survive attacks from any and all wild animals. Depending on which animal, you may need to play dead, back away slowly, make yourself look bigger, etc. It's a good thing we humans and especially the completely peaceful wrestlers of LAW have separated themselves from the feral violence of nature. It's not like anyone's ever sent death threats over LAW Twitter. And definitely none of them have ever plotted animalistic ambushes or coordinated gang assaults on each other. Nope. None of that has ever happened.

In case you couldn't tell, that was not so subtle sarcasm. Wrestling is of course a combat sport. But even so, we know some LAW wrestlers are particularly savage. This includes the many animal-themed fighters in the company, which can sometime act in similarly wild way to the creatures that they are based on! Being attacked by a LAW animal could spell big trouble for you. But that's where I come in! Today my fine reader, you are going to take a journey with me through the vast, hostile wilderness of LAW Jungle. And whether it was done in self-defense, in the heat of the moment, or after malicious premeditation, I'm gonna teach you how to survive 10 LAW animal attacks!

Now this list will not, I repeat NOT tell you how to defeat any of these wrestlers in a fight. By "survive" I mean I'm gonna teach you not to get: squashed, K.O'ed, beaten, choked, suffocated, ambushed, kidnapped, imprisoned, violated, tormented, terrorized, tortured, or traumatized by any of these potentially dangerous animal gals. Haha, I wish I was even slightly exaggerating. But I'm not. The gal at #1 may actually kill you.

Speaking of which, this list is NOT organized from weakest to strongest or anything like that. Anyone of these gals can kick some serious butt. Instead, it's the most survivable attacks (less deadly), to the least survivable (more deadly) ones. There are many factors I will consider when deciding a LAW animal's placement, such as varying levels of mercy, temper, relentlessness, malicious intent, premeditation and overall disposition. But to keep it simple for now, you'd end up in worse and worse situations as the list goes on, if you don't know how to survive any of these attacks.

Anyhow, I can't wait to talk about how impressive and potentially deadly all of these sexy, gorgeous, divine, GODDESS-LIKE...Wait! I mean, I'm a chad you know. I get paid to write these magazines, but the girls...they alright I guess. Heh. Heh. Heh. You believe me? Right? Mr. Simpson is a chad? Right? Simpson the chad? Whatever, let's just get to the rules.

Rule #1: Only female wrestlers will be featured. This definitely has nothing to do with me simping for girls for anything. But only girls for......reasons.

Rule #2: No repeated specific animal types. For example, a liger is a cross breed between a lion and a tiger. A liger-themed wrestler can make this list, along with a lion or tiger-themed wrestler. But two or more liger-themed wrestlers cannot make the list. This is done for variety.

Rule #3: No bunny girls. WAIT, LET ME EXPLAIN! I'd like to stick to my pervious rule of not repeating specific types of animals. But bunny-themed gals are so popular that I can't just talk about one! So I think LAW's bunnies deserve to be spotlighted in some fashion on their own special list! Ooh! Just a theory, but their could be a LAW bunny event in the works soon. And I may just gain inspiration from that!

Now that those three rules are out of the way, just a few things to take note of. I've only recently been employed by LAW, which means I do not have high knowledge on every single LAW wrestler OR every single animal-themed one. This list will spotlight wrestlers I just so happen to know pretty well. So to the heels, if you do not find yourself on this list, please...DO NOT COME TO MY WRITER'S OFFICE TO BEAT ME! I'm talking to you tweeners too. Some of ya'll be hecka sus. I mean, technically I'm a tweener, but you know what I mean! And without further to do, here's how to survive 10 LAW Animal attacks!

10. How to Survive a Gil Goat Attack (Gil "Arma-Gil-O")

We start off our hopefully survivable journey through LAW Jungle's threatening, dangerous, formidable, and impressive animal gals with the majestic Gil Goat. An attack from her is probably the most survivable, out of all the animals on this list. And it's simply because Gil seems to be the most pure-hearted and merciful contender here. What you thought it because she was weak or some nonsense like that? Not only is that scientifically incorrect, but I already explained that's no how I'm doing things. Gil is the G.O.A.T! And we all know that stands for: Greatest of all Time! In case there's any doubts, what if I told you I had cold, hard evidence that Gil's the G.O.A.T. Let's take a look.

Undeniable PROOF that Gil's the G.O.A.T

Totally unbiased, concrete evidence right? Oh well. I could be simping a teeny, tiny, bit. But don't underestimate Gil now! She's real pure, so you'd only need to survive an attack from her in a consensual ring fight or in self-defense. So just in case you ever decide to be a psychopath and go hunting for the innocent Gil Goat, here's how to survive the encounter.

Do not pounce on The Great Armagilo. Typical among goats, the Gil species of goat has powerful legs that can wrap around and unseat even heavyweights off of her. Keep your eye on high platforms. Also typical of goats, this Gil variety can jump/climb high platforms, like say a wrestling post, and leap off it for a buttdrop or aerial "Dew Drop" if you will. Also, this ram of a girl packs a mean headbutt, that can stun most opponents and even send them flat on their butts!

Speaking of butts, the Smother Princess's main form of attack and self-defense, seems to be....well, smothers. Certain other attacks are apparently too mean for her to do, so instead she's gonna all the more kindly prevent your body from receiving precious, life-sustaining oxygen. But seriously, if you find your face deep within her plush behind with her mighty legs scissored tightly around your neck, you're in big trouble. Your oxygen levels, going bye bye!

So with all this in mind, how do you survive? I don't know. How about you just give up on the attack! Since outside of the ring, I believe Gil would typically only attack in self-defense. Once you give up the assault, I think Gil would generally have mercy and just let go you to wallow in shame and regret. After your surrender, I don't think she'd knockout you out, give you a concussion and brag about it on Twitter, or do any such thing! Which is TOO BAD! Because you deserve that AND WORSE, if you try to assault is adorable creature! But yeah. That's how you survive a Gil Goat Attack.

How to Survive: Stop attacking Gil, you monster.


9. How to Survive a Momo Monke Attack (Momo Kazan)

We continue our journey through LAW's fine wildlife with the one of a kind, Momo Monke. And no, I did not forget the "y". This unique species of primate is referred to as a Monke, due to the meme by the same name. According to my research, Momo is probably the girl on this list that has the most chill. Which means outside the ring, I believe she generally only attacks someone in self-defense. So let us analyze Momo's chill levels, buy studying how this fascinating creature responds to provocations.

The Provocation

Momo's Response

The Provocation

Momo's Response

So according to my Twitter research results, Momo tends to deescalate potential conflict, by responding to insults with jokes, comedy and laughter. Be more like Momo. I should be more like Momo. You should be more like Momo. Everyone on this list and on the face of planet Earth, should be more like Momo. She is truly one of the greatest inspirational figures, for our troubled times. clapclapclapclap

However, just because the Momo Monke is funny and chill. Does not mean she won't destroy you, in self defense of course. So if you want to get hunting for this monke, you still need to learn how to survive an attack from her. Do not attack Momo in an area with climbable objects. As common with both monkeys AND monkes, Momo is an excellent climber who will use such nearby objects to her advantage in a fight. So I guess ya wanna catch her in a plain, open area. A plain plain, if you will. lol But don't think for a second that this grantees your survival! Because you're dealing with yet another wrestler with powerful legs! And if Momo catches you in some kind of leg-lock position, you're more finished than by therapist is with my whiny a*s. But very careful of that "Momo Lock" especially!

The Deadly Momo Lock

So with all this in mind, how do you survive? Since ya wanna avoid a situation where Momo is overwhelming you with wild, unpredictable moves while catchy anime music plays in the background. Well then, like before, first give up on the attack. You were probably such a big joke to Momo that she may not be that mad at you for hunting her, and instead she's laughing her butt off. During this laughter, quickly make an emergency retreat. Not because she'd necessarily chase after you, but because you need to hurry and go hide your shame. Hide your shame, buddy. Hide your shame. And that's how to survive a Momo Monke Attack. To bad your pride won't survive with you.

How to Survive: Quickly retreat during Momo's laughter.


8. How to Survive a Cassandra Butterfly Attack (Cassandra Selinofoto)

Normally I'd make fun of you for being really desperate, if you need my advice on surviving a butterfly attack. But I getcha. This isn't just any butterfly. It's the Cassandra Butterfly or Cassie Butterfly for short. So going off looks, it seems like the gorgeous Cassie has top-tier muscle tone packed densely into a 5 foot tall body. And this ripped lightweight is definitely capable of kicking your butt if you planning on continuing the hunting spree with her. And she may just make you kiss her sexy, six pack as punishment, after she gets done folding you. I mean that quite literally, since she's a highflying, submission specialist.

So how to go about survival here? Well your gonna wanna keep your head up, champ! Literally. You need to be very careful of this butterfly's floating, or you may get nailed with a devastating high flying move, that will take you straight to the ground. And you can NOT let this happen. Or else you may find yourself bent in one of her expert submissions! And that's gonna hurt. A lot. Now luckily, Cassie seems pretty playful in her butterfly form, so hopefully she won't whoop you too badly. But that's the problem. This isn't even her only form. The one I've just discussed is Psyche, the Butterfly Soul. But then there's Drakina, the Dragoness Soul...

The Cassandra Dragon

Feast your eyes, on the awesome might of the Cassandra Dragon! Cassie Dragon for short. Hunting the Cassie Butterfly is like going into a boss fight under leveled, while falsely thinking there will only be one boss phase. Haha, what a noob. What can you turn into, huh? Not a freaking dragon! Don't feel bad though. The only thing I can turn myself into is a statistic for crippling depression. Anyhow, I think Cassie's profile in our databases best describes why her dragon persona spells trouble for you:

"As Drakina, Cassandra is.. different. Less playful, more serious and is willing to use vicious moves to disable her foe. She will break her foe down methodically during the match, piece by piece and then pull out all the stops at the ends, to make them scream."

Yeah. Heh.Heh.Heh. And one of those vicious moves, seems to be her "Viridian Clutch".

The Vicious Viridian Clutch

Now I could try and figure out how one would survive a Cassie Dragon attack. But let's be real, you aren't getting past the butterfly phase. Or at least know I couldn't get pass it. But I have concluded that an attack from a dragon is less survivable than an attack from a butterfly. So whatever your survival strategy is for Psyche, do not, I repeat DO NOT trigger Drakina. So since Psyche is playful, tone down your hunting to a playful level. Maybe challenge Cassie to a friendly spar, instead of preforming an ambush. Just whatever you do, DON'T unleash the dragon. That's how you survive a Cassandra Butterfly attack.

How to Survive: Don't trigger Cassie's dragon persona.


7. How to Survive a Claudia Hellhound Attack (Claudia Kwon)

You shouldn't go hunting for this next one, because she's the true hunter. And you're gonna end up the prey. This is the stunningly beautiful and intimidating, Claudia Hellhound. Yes, it seems King Hades, Lord of the Dead has let one of his dogs get loose from The Underworld to wreak havoc in the ring. So if you don't want to visit Hades (permanently), let's try and figure out how to survive a potential attack here.

Do not try to grab Claudia's posterior. According to the profile of her I've researched, she once "introduced her knuckles to someone who tried to grab her ass inside of a bar". Wow! The absolute disrespect! Alvin here would never, EVER try to grab a girl's butt without consent... Heh. Heh. Only stare. Anyhow, I could find no other information about this "someone" who Claudia punched. So I don't know what happened to this "someone" after the fact. Were they knocked out? Did they get a mild concussion? Did they get a major concussion? Are they DEAD?! Was their lifeless body ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AFTER?!! I don't know. But when you have anxiety as bad as I do, you always assume the worse. So yeah. No butt grabbing tonight, pal.

Next we shall continue to study this fine creature by analyzing one of her signature moves, the dreaded: "Wolfsbane". It's basically a leaping double stomp from the top turnbuckle that will absolutely OBLITERATE you, if it manages to land. But here's the thing. It's gonna land. According to my research, Claudia was been observed unitizing superbly patient tracking skills. So as common among hounds, she knows precisely the right moment to pounce on he prey. So if you let her get into a high position over you, you're pretty much screwed.

The Dreaded Wolfsbane

In her debut match, Claudia reportedly used this move to finish off her opponent. And she was nice enough to carry her opponent (Peach Cake of The Booty Princesses) out of the ring afterwards. However, it seems she only did so because her adversary managed to impress her. Generally, this hellhound seems to show little care for anyone outside of wrestlers from a place called The Gem's Haven. So after whooping you, she seems more likely to leave your broken body to suffer in misery and torment. But to be fair, we do seem to have her labeled down here as a "Likable Heel". And let's be real, even babyfaces like to hurt people. I mean it's wrestling. lol

Claudia battling Peach in her debut

Wait, wasn't I suppose to be teaching you how to survive an attack from this hellhound or something? Oh yeah, just get the hell outta there. Haha, you get it? I said, get the hell outta there. The HELL outta-... Anyhow, if for some reason you don't survive. Tell Hades that Alvin saids hi, and that one of his hellhounds seems to have escaped into the Land of the Living. He should probably get on that.

How to Survive: Get the hell outta there. Get it? Haha, I'm funny right?......Right?


6. How to Survive a Serilda Liger Attack (Serilda Akira)

Alrighty! Now we move from a likeable heel to a unli-UH. I mean. Uh, just a heel. Heh. Heh. If your reading this, sounds good Liger? Now according to my research, Liger doesn't seem to be above ambushing. This means under the right circumstances, she may be the one to come after, hunt and attack YOU! Haha, that's why I was careful not to call her unlikeable. lol And considering that her personality has been described in her profile as : ruthless, sadistic, brutal, maniacal, cruel, and sinister. That means we definitely don't need to be at the mercy of this woman. So let's figure out how to survive.

Liger with her ears and tail.

Now typical among ligers and other Big Cats, the Berserk Liger seems to aim for her prey's weak spots. First, she uses hard hitting offense to target her foe's limbs. And then, similarly to jaguars who finish their prey with a bite through the head instead of the neck, The Serilda Liger puts an end to her enemies with strikes to the back of their heads. Though, Serilda appears to be fine with biting necks too, hence her signature: "Huntress Bite". One piece of survival advice when attacked by a predator is to always guard your head and neck. So hopefully, that advice helps with the Bersek Liger too.

The chomping Huntress Bite

But I do have another piece of advice. Stay away from Liger's mother. Reportedly, the Serilda Liger came after the previously mentioned Gil Goat, because she ended up training with Theresia Niedermeyer a.k.a Cyber Widow a.k.a Liger's momma. According to my research from the goat and the liger's first recorded match, Liger was apparently jealous of the attention Gil received from Theresia. This lead to the two LAW Animals becoming natural rivals. So yeah, Liger has what can only be described as "mommy issues". I can relate. So for the sake of your survival, you should avoid the attention of Theresia. Here's a picture off her just so you know.

Theresia Niedermeyer

Now, there may be one last super secret way to survive a Berserk Liger attack, so listen very carefully. You must pick up a stick, right. And then you draw an Anti-Liger circle in the dirt. And make sure it's not an oval. IT HAS TO BE A CIRCLE! Oh wait a second, that only works for Sea Bears. My bad. lol So just take heed of my first two pieces of advice. That's how you survive a Serilda Liger attack.

How to Survive: Stay away from Liger's mom. And if attacked, protect your head and neck.


5. How to Survive a Honie Bee Attack (Honie B. Bea)

Let's continuing by taking a very scientific look at the Heroine of the Beehive, Honie B. Bea. This extra thicc species of bee seems to be most closely related to or based on the Africanized honey bee. This is just a fancy term for a killer bee. So with Honie, we have the word "heroine", implying righteous. And the words "killer bee" referring to the stinging, flying insects that are easily miffed off and will chase you down and absolutely delete you if provoked enough. My conclusion is that Honie is usually happy-go-lucky, but can be umm...very effing dangerous when in a state of righteous anger. Especially since she's pretty fast and super strong.

Despite all this, there somehow seems to be a record of someone surviving a Honie Bee attack! This person reportedly being Aliyah, the manager of The Cyber Legacy. According to my research, she apparently came after a bunch of wrestlers unprovoked in a promo and on Twitter. Honie was among one of them and she fired back, resulting in Aliyah beginning to plot against her. Long story short, after approaching, mocking and spraying Honie with water, Aliyah had provoked Honie into being lured into a trap. This lead to the impulsive heroine being ambushed and jumped by both Aliyah's two bodyguards AND the previously mentioned Beserk Liger (a member of The Cyber Legacy). So three on one, and they even handcuffed Honie during the attack.

Aliyah

Tiara (bodyguard)

Lisa (bodyguard)

Now this whole gang assault thing seems like a great way to survive any LAW animal attack for that matter! But, this is the thing with the Honie Bee. Based on my research, this attack seems to have just made Honie even angrier and extremely likely to retaliate. Now the three of gals who jumped the Honie Bee, seem to be capable wrestlers in their own right. Buuuuut, Aliyah is NOT a wrestler. So since the bee won't be taking this lying down, my theory is that Aliyah didn't really "survive" a Honie attack. More like, ensured her future extermination, so she's not the best example. This is how to survive a Honie Bee attack permanently and on your own.

Do not run away. This only works if you have a group ambush set up. Honie's pretty fast for a heavyweight, so under normal circumstances, she'd chase your butt down and fold you. Do not jump in a body of water. The idea that you can escape bees by jumping into water IS A MYTH. They will fly above the water and sting you, as soon as you come up for air. Likewise, when you surface, Honie will kneel by the edge to bop your whack-a-mole looking a*s hard on the noggin. And if the water is broad, she'll just swim in after you.

Get on your knees, and beg for forgiveness. Honie seems to have a golden heart despite her temper. So this should save you from the regular assault. But if you reaaaalllly miffed her off, you still have a smother assault to deal with. But hey, baby steps. Now based on her "Knockout List", Honie's way of dealing with jerks is to ensure they're K.O'ed in some way. So if Honie starts smothering you, she won't stop until you're unconscious. So play dead. Close you're eyes. Don't move an inch. Act like you're smothered out cold. Try you're best to keep this up, even if she examines you. And do not get up until the Honie Bee has completely left the environment, to ensure no more smothering. Once she's gone, you can get up and question all the poor life decisions that got you in that situation. But you can thank Alvin here for getting you out. Don't tell Ailyah how to survive though, she needs to suffer.

Rules of Honie's Knockout List

Oh! And to prevent an attack in the first place, don't end up on her "Knockout List". Which means don't be a 'buzzhole', umm...okay Honie. And if you are a buzzhole, say sorry for being one to get taken off. So basically follow the most important rule of life: Don't be a d*ck. Don't be a big d*ck. Don't even be a small d*ck. Because if there's one thing the ladies don't like, it's a small d*ck.........That's why I'm still single...

How to Survive: Beg for mercy. Play dead if smothered.


4. How to Survive a Tracy Cat Attack (Tracy Cannon)

OH LOOK IT'S TRACY! This is a beautiful cat goddess, I MEAN WRESLTER, that I totally do not simp over. Awkwardly pushes Tracy Cannon merch off the writer's desk. Anyway, she is a member of the SWAT Cats a.k.a LAW's current tag team champions, and she's one of the most beloved fighters in all of LAW. She's a fierce wrestler, and an attack from her is umm...potentially very, very, dangerous. As scared as I am of heels, at least it's always abundantly clear you're not suppose to mess with them. Now hot-headed faces and sus tweeners, those are the one's that might catch ya off-guard. So let's go over two incredibly dominant interactions the Tracy Cat has had with heels, and see if we can figure out how to survive an attack from her.

One fateful day, the Tracy Cat had an interaction with a heel LAW animal named the Kate Coyote, in a backstage locker room. So since cats and dogs don't get along, Kate Conners and Tracy Cannon got into some kind of altercation. Tracy initially tried to deescalate the situation by striping down in front of Kate. Now I personally don't see the problem here AT ALL, but apparently the heel didn't like being flustered.

The Kate Coyote (Kate Conners)

But the coyote completely got over it, went about her day and-I'M JUST KIDDING. Obviously, she spiked Tracy's wrestling attire with itching powder, since the cat had left her locker open while taking a shower. When the Circus Cat put on her attire, she was greeted with the terrible, itching sensation concentrated in her...private area. Kate was feeling very pleased with herself, thinking this prank was an excellent, high-quality idea. Well it turned out to be a HORRIBLE, LOW-QUALITY IDEA! The angry cat responded by attacking and smother assaulting this heel, using her body to rub away the itch, which is totally understandable......for now.

And after the itch went away and all was right with the world, Tracy of course showed Kate grace, mercy, and compassion that made the heel's heart grow 3 sizes that day and-I'M JUST JOKING. Obviously, the Tracy Cat stuffed and trapped her weakened, helpless prey into her den (locker), in order to use her victim as a smother toy at her leisure. Now despite definitely being the most popular guy in school back in the day, somehow Alvin here was stuffed in lockers all the time. So first hand, heh heh...it's not an ideal experience. But I'm sure Tracy only kept Kate there for a measly-WAIT! IT WAS A WHOLE A*S WEEK AND SHE ONLY STOPPED BECAUSE HER TAG TEAM PARTNER FORCED HER TO?!

Don't get me wrong. I love Tracy, in a totally chad-like way. But in order to fully warn you of this cat's threat level, I have to be brutally honest here. This attack was certainly provoked and in a heat of passion. But in my humble opinion, the bottom line is: Tracy condemned poor Kate into a uncomfortable, enclosed, claustrophobic prison for what would have been an indefinitely long period of time, over an offense she had already punished, in order to forcefully turn the coyote into a butt slave because she thought it was fun. I mean, hot! Probably not moral. BUT HOT! Tracy's beloved for a reason and definitely a good girl at heart. But let's all STAY on her good side, just to be safe.

Now Kate was apparently only a rookie when this happened. So in order to fully understand the Tracy cat's threat level, we need to take this to a higher degree. And there's no higher degree in LAW then the status of champion! Lillian Byrne is LAW's current middleweight champ. A woman strong enough to lift many heavyweights, and uses said strength and skill to defend her championship belt against other middleweights. She went on a big winning streak.....until she was squashed. Yes, in Lillian's second match with Tracy, the queen of the middleweights was dominantly defeated by the Circus Cat. In what could only be described as a "Booty Beatdown", Lillian was face humped, stinkfaced, and smothered in a number of ways by Tracy's killer backside. I'd say Ms. Byrne spent about 90% of the match, buried in Tracy's gorgeous booty. This cat's lovely backside seems to be the heel's Achilles Hell, if you will.

Lillian Byrne

Now while I had to be brutally honest about what Tracy did to Kate prior. I will acknowledge that it was completely normal cat behavior. Cats have been known to torture play with their prey for as long as they want. They may not let them go, even if they're not hungry. Since Tracy's second fight with Lillian was a POW, she also captured her though in a more moral traditional way. And I can only assume, Lillian will also be having a fun...playtime. So I think I've established how much of a deadly, dommy mommy this kitty is, so how do you survive an attack from her?

Leave the itching powder at home. That's the number one rule. Write it down. Memorize it. Do whatever you need to do. Do not let Tracy smother you. It has been scientifically proven, that once Tracy's soft, plush cheeks are on your face you are: screwed, doomed, effed, totally done for, no matter how nice you secretly think it feels. Now this kitty's a skilled user of aerial moves, but moves like that are very high-risk in general. So use one of those moves against her, preferably by dodging. This will give you the perfect, golden opportunity to...RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE BIT*H. What, you thought I was gonna say counterattack?! Nah pal, you need to leave as soon as possible. Scram, vamoose, get the eff out, flee! You know flee, like the chances of Alvin here ever getting a girlfriend, small as a flea. Cats do have a natural instinct to chase fleeing prey, so apologize to Tracy if pursued, since you must have provoked her. Then run, run away like your freedom depends on it. BECAUSE IT MAY!

Oh, and please don't send this article to Kate or Lillian, since being dommed was probably embarrassing. And for obvious reasons, I don't need them mad at me for covering it. So don't send it to them. Come on buddy, you wouldn't do that to poor Alvin right?.....Right?

How to Survive: Run away like a little bit*h. Apologize if pursued.

Top 3 Scary Theme

WELL, TIME TO END THE LIST! What's that? You're saying I still have three more particularly terrifying LAW animals to go through, and I've got some more typing to do. What?! What do you take me for?! A writer?! Umm. There is no "3"! THERE'S NEVER BEEN ANY "3"! "3" IS JUST A MYTH! Okay fine. Since you hate me so much and want me to have nightmares, we're about to venture into the deepest, darkest part of LAW Jungle, where no one had ever come back alive. According to my opinion and research, these next three ferocious beasts, dish out the deadliest, least survivable animal attacks in all of LAW! Things have gotten exponentially more intense so far, but you ain't seen nothing yet. Let's see IF we can still survive...


3. How to Survive a Holly Wolf Attack (Holly Walker)

When I was little, my mother used to scare me by telling me the tale of the Big, Bad Wolf. But then she assured me it was just a silly billy story. Well, MY MOTHER LIED TO ME! WHY DID YOU LIE TO BABY BOY ALVIN, MOTHER?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY?! This species of wolf is called Holly. And Holly here is one terrifying woman. Similar to all wolves, this powerhouse is known for stalking and then ambushing her prey. There is a reported record of her doing just that to the Kat Cat (Katherine Hart), you know the previously mentioned SWAT Cat leader.

Now, why would the Holly Wolf attempt to prey upon the Kat Cat? Haha, I bet it was a really petty reason. You know how these petty heels be and all. Oh wait. Apparently, the previously mentioned Kate Coyote is part of this wolf's pack, since they've formed a stable called Cerberus. Wait a second, you're telling me Hades let a hellhound AND his three headed dog Cerberus escape into the Land of the Living?! What the heck Hades?! Anyhow, it seems Holly didn't quite appreciate the whole Kate and Tracy situation with the whole realistically unethical imprisonment and such. And Kat allegedly doubled smothered Kate with Tracy, before finally letting the coyote go. So obviously Holly responses by having a calm, reasonable conversa-COMMITING SMOTHER WAR CRIMES. But eventually Kat did survive and even thrive during a Holly wolf attack, so let's analyze the situation and see how the legendary Super Kitty managed to do it.

The Kat Cat (Katherine Hart)

So the Holy Wolf first attacked the Kat Cat, while the kitty was busy doing bench presses in the gym. According the witness reports, Holly sat her big, bare butt down on Kat's face, during one of the cat's reps. After managing to finish said rep, Kat was left tired and vulnerable during the surprise assault. And her air supply rapidly decreased until she was smothered out cold. That brings us to the first rule of surviving a Holly attack. If there's even a 1% chance the wolf may attack you, always be a high alert. Now how a 6 feet, 197 pound woman is able to be so slick and stealthy is beyond me. But then again, this is a wolf after all, they are masters of the art.

Now after this retaliatory assault, Kat responded a social media by telling Holly to keep the cat out of the smother war games. And of course, this didn't happen. Because once you've smothered someone and gotten smothered yourself, you are in the smother war, period. You better put your battle suit on, get your smother war weapons ready, and get your kitty booty on the battlefield, BECAUSE THE HOLLY WOLF OFTEN ATTACKS MORE THAN ONCE! She'll stalk ya for God knows how long, meaning the vicious ambushes she preforms are premediated.

That brings us to the next ambush at the laundry mat. According to my research, the Holly wolf surprise slammed the Kat Cat's head on a dryer, before sticking the stunned veteran kitty in a washing machine. Wh-Why do these Cats and Dogs like tormenting each other with uncomfortable, claustrophobic spaces?! Whyyyyyyyyy?! But Holly wouldn't turn the machine on, leaving poor Kat to twist and turn in the hard, suffocating machine, while being sprayed with cold water...heh heh heh...right?! OH, SHE WOULD! AND SHE DID! That bring me to my next point about surviving a Holy wolf attack. Stay away from any and all washing machines. All of the washing machines are sus, they're working for Holly. IT'S A CONSPIRACY I SAY! After the torment, Holly took Kat out of the device, and smothered her out again. The worst part is everyone knows cats hate water.

And that's not the end of it. Apparently, the Holly wolf then proceeded to attempt to prey on the Kat cat in the kitty's own house. WHAT?! YA'LL THOUGHT YA'LL WOULD BE SAFE FROM THIS CARNIVOROUS CANINE IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN EFFING HOME?! Or should I say Holly's home. Because if Holly comes into your house, the property rights of you or your landlord are basically non-existent. It's a Holly Hound House now! Oooh! That kinda had a ring to it! You know what this means right? If Holly's after you, you can never open the door or step a single foot outta your house ever again for the rest of your life. And if you make that mistake, science saids the only way to reclaim your property rights from Holly is to finally defeat her, which Kat managed to do! Apparently, a...what was it called again? Oh yeah, HOME INVASION, was enough to spark the legendary Super Kitty into overcoming and smothering Holly out.

Now despite finally being smother K.O'ed. To fully get across this wolf's threat level, I should mention...all of these ambushes took place ON. THE. SAME. DAY. Yep. And remember all that advice I gave you for Holly? Yeah, that doesn't mean crap unless you do this one important thing. If you cannot do this thing, you're doomed, dead, damned, all the scary words that start with "d". Okay, ready? Get out your paper and pencil. The thing you must do to survive is BE KATHERINE HART. Sound good?

Okay, fine. For those of you reading who aren't the amazing, unstoppable, incredible Kat, who I'm totally not simping over, there may be another way. According to the dialogue given by witnesses, Holly came after Kat to avenge Kate AND because she wanted a challenge. So to make Holly completely lose interest in you and consider you a waste of time, energy and space, cry like a little bit*h. Your weakness will disgust Holly, and hopefully the wolf will leave you alone. You can either be a bit*h on your own terms, or be turned into one. I'd rather be a bit*h on my own terms. That's how to survive a Holly wolf attack.

How to Survive: Cry like a little bit*h. Or just be Katherine Hart.


2. How to Survive a Camie Leopard Attack (Camie Young)

Aww, doesn't Camie look cute. She definitely wouldn't break your fingers and sit on your face, now would she? Deep within the darkest depths of LAW Jungle, screams of pain and despair can frequency be heard in this leopard's territory. Scientists are too scared to go in deeper to examine, but the theory is that the cries are the result of Camie putting her caught prey in excruciatingly painful submission holds. That's right, in the profiles we seem to have labeled her as a sadistic heel. Not just a heel. No it was scientifically determined the word "sadistic" needed to be put in front of the word "heel" when it comes to Camie, after researchers studied this animal's behavior. Sadistic is of course defined as: deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. So yep. Very deadly, currently undefeated submission specialist here.

In order to get a good read on the Camie Leopard's sadism levels, let's analyze her encounters with her natural enemy in the wild, the previously mentioned Tracy Cat. And let's see if surviving an attack from Camie is even an option here. The records show Camie appeared at one of Tracy's fan autograph signings. Obviously she came to have a friendly, certainly nonviolent discussio-OKAY FINE I'M NOT GONNA EVEN TRY ANYMORE. Based on witness reports, the two felines had a little verbal back and forth, before Camie straight up attacked Tracy. During the assault, Tracy was given a nasty paper cut by Camie, who obviously took great pleasure in this. But The Circus Cat fought back of course, by slamming the leopard on a table.

But ultimately the predatory leopard was successful in her hunt here. So you remember how the Holly wolf from before is disgusted by the weak, choosing to go after the strong? Yeah, the Camie leopard goes after the strong too, but she doesn't mind using the weak to get to the strong. So apparently, one of Tracy's fans taunted Camie after she was slammed. And this led to the totally reasonable reaction of the heel TAKING THE POOR, HELPLESS GIRL HOSTAGE. This completely unethical but admittly clever decision, was all it took for Camie to bait Tracy into moving in to save the fan. This created an opening for the leopard to choke the cat out in a sleeperhold. But in her selfless act of sacrifice and heroism, Tracy had ensured the fan's safety. But things would not be ending here...

During a promo event, interviewer Lexy Alan was interviewing the SWAT Cats, about being recent tag champions and all. Camie of course crashed the party by, umm what was it again...oh right: AMBUSHING AND THREATENING LEXY before you'll never guess: HOLDING HER HOSTAGE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! Oooh! I didn't know taking hostages was a new, fun trend these days. Aww, I knew I wasn't cool. Anyhow, after snagging her prey like a true stealthy leopard, Camie took over the interview. She then proceeded to use her leverage to attempt to make Tracy look bad by bringing up two questionable actions of the champion. The first was leaving her rival Black Swan in a submission hold past the bell. And the second was of course her very prolonged kidnapping of Kate Conners within a locker.

Black Swan

Lexy Alan

Now unfortunately, I'm a big softy. So even as a huge simp fan of Tracy's, I personally can't bring myself to condone or justify these actions, regardless of the circumstances behind them. Mostly because I, Alvin was stuffed into lockers in school, even though I swear I was cool. However, no LAW animal is perfect. All of these fascinating beasts have vices & virtues, weaknesses & strengths, quirks that make them all the more interesting and compelling to study, research, and analyze. And the impressive yet sinister Camie leopard has a super fun quirk I like to call PREMIDITATED, MALICIOUS-INTENT.

Of course the heel doesn't care about how wicked she looks to the fans. But after the face responded, accusing the heel of being scared of her, Camie called Tracy a pussycat. Heh. HehHehHeh. Okay that's a good one girl, ngl. AND THEN SLAMED LEXY ONTO A TABLE. This led to a scrap that Tracy got the upper hand in, before security FINALLY DID THEIR MOTHERTRUCKING JOBS and took the deadly leopard away. But Camie will definitely be back for a match between kitties. But seriously, do you know how much crap happens in LAW on a daily basics, that security never deals with. I'm sorry, but LAW's security team is garbage.

Okay, so I think this story shows how much of an Avenger's Level threat Camie is. So how can you survive an attack from this currently undefeated, admittedly bada*s (I need to stop being a simp) leopard. Well if Camie tries to bait you by taking one of your friends hostage, you must be a bad friend. Yep! Time to sacrifice your best buddy to the leopard goddess! Hopefully it's an acceptable offering. Oh, wipe that judgmental look off your face, reader! Not everyone can be a noble, righteous hero like Tracy. Well, if that's not good enough for you, I do have some good news. Believe it or not the Camie leopard has been carefully observed: playing the role of an older sister with her friends, which she is actually rather caring of! NANI?! That's it! If you become Camie's friend, she won't terrorize you! That's how you survive a Camie leopard attack.

But I'm not good at talking to girls. And Camie terrifies me, because she's shown not to be above taking staff members hostage. They say that in an encounter with a leopard, you don't have to be faster than the Big Cat, just faster than the person next to you. On a completely unrelated note, hey my fellow staff worker Lexy! If you're reading this, how fast are you? I need you to send me your calculated running speed. Are you there, Lexy? If you're there send me your speed. SEND ME YOUR SPEED LEXY! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!!

How to Survive: Betray your friend. Become Camie's friend. Or get Lexy to send you her speed.

Entrance Music of #1

You hear this theme?
YOU WANNA KNOW WHO OWNS THIS THEME?
YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW WHO OWNS THIS THEME.

Tweet of #1

You see this tweet?
YOU WANNA KNOW WHO MADE THIS TWEET?
YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW WHO MADE THIS TWEET.
You wanna know who this tweet was sent to?
Wait a second!
THIS TWEET WAS SENT TO ME!
WH-WHY WOULD SHE SAY THIS TO POOR ALVIN?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!
I've been planning this article for a long while, so I guess it's too late to leave her off my list outta spite, huh?
So without further do to, the LAW animal that dishes out the most deadly, least survivable attack (imo) issssssssssss......


1. How to Survive a Skylar Dog Attack (Skylar Jones)

Now reader, I know what you're thinking. What?! Skylar Jones?! Sky ain't no animal themed wrestler! What the heck have you been smoking Alvin? You nincompoop. First of all, RUDE. And second of all, what if I had undeniable proof, scientific evidence that supports that I can classify Sky as a LAW animal here. Read it and weep:

irrefutable proof Sky's a LAW animal

So we see here from this tweet that Skylar's own tag partner, Sarah Blacksmith has scientifically used the scientific method to classify Sky as a "female dog". You know, a bitch, in proper context of course. Now identifying this creature as the Skylar Bitch would probably be funny. But seeing as Sky sent me that tweet from before, I'm too much of a spineless coward to do that. Skylar's fighting style also seems to take great inspiration from street brawling, so she can also be referred to as a "Street Dog". And all of this gives me enough excuse to talk about this terrifying tweener. What? You thought a HEEL would take the #1 spot of deadliness?! Nah pal. I told ya'll these tweeners be sus.

So far throughout this list, "survive" has been used a metaphor for trying to avoid whatever self-defense tactics, punishments, and/or torments any pervious gal may subject you to, for whatever reason. But when it comes to the Skylar Dog, you just may actually need to learn to SURVIVE an attack from her. You know......NOT DIE. So how do you survive an attack from this doggy? Let me answer that question with a meme.

Meme

Yeah, I honestly can't think of a way to survive a Skylar attack once it's already in progress. Don't believe me? Well let's go over several ways you could normally survive an attack from an animal or animal-themed wrestler, so I can show ya that none of them will work on Sky.

Run away or back away slowly. - While I wouldn't put it past this species of canine to destroy someone in the heat of the moment, the Sky dog normally comes after people. So attacks from her are typically premediated. So she probably planned to corner you somewhere you can't escape. Makes it easier to remove you from the LAW roster census.

Play dead/Pretend to be K.O'ed. - Yeah take a look at this tweet.

Tweet

Let's think logically here. If "the crunching sound someone's skull makes when you hit it with a golf club" sounds nice to Sky, she'll keep hitting you even if you're not making any noise. Which means if you play dead, you'll soon have trouble playing alive.

Make yourself look bigger. - This street dog has reportedly been observed lifting crazy amounts of weight at the gym. And is apparently strong enough to lift up most heavyweights, despite being a middleweight. So you can see why this survival strategy will not be working.

Beg for mercy. - You can't beg for mercy during a Skylar dog attack. Maybe long before, but never during. In Skylar's second match with the beautiful, talented (I have a simping problem) Emaline, she had The Emerald Viper begging for mercy at one point. This only seemed to tick Sky off even more, who just kept stomping her head onto the mat. Oh, and this match ended with Sky slamming her rival's head STRAIGHT INTO THE CANVAS. Just a fun fact to keep in mind.

Emaline The Emerald Viper

Protect you head and neck. - This might usually work for punches and kicks. But Skylar has been seen with an effing knife, which is a precise killing device. So yeah, this won't stop the dog from ending the TV series of your life, due to (in her opinion) very poor ratings. Meaning that she doesn't like you very much.

Be uninterestingly weak. - If Sky's after you, she will not hesitant to beat you half to death (or maybe to death), even if you're as fragile as a flower. One of LAW's most infamous jobbers, Ossi Shamar, who can be typically seen getting squashed quite thoroughly, has "fought" this dog. Apparently, Sky was mad at Ossi for being (in her eyes) very rude to her friend Newbie Nuo, even though Nuo defeated Ossi in that match. So Sky booked up a match with the weak, sorry, pitiful Ossi (even my simping has limits) and forget "squashed", SKY DECIMATED HER.

Ossi Shamar

Newbie Nuo

I think I've made my point. If Skylar wants to be feared, she's sure doing one heck of a job! In conclusion, the only way to survive a Skylar Dog attack, seems to be not letting it happen in the first place. So here's how NOT to miff off this potentially ruthless and merciless brawler. The Brawling Puppet, if you will. Not coming after Sky is a given, but do not come after Sky's friends. Being even a bit rude to one of Skylar's friends is punishable by the DEATH PENALTY.

But even if it doesn't involve her friends, this street dog doesn't seem to take kindly to jerks in general. While walking into LAW arena to battle the prior mentioned Camie leopard, reports say a boy reached out for a high five. But before Sky could give him one, he was pushed away by a rude man, looking for a high five himself. So Sky decided to...SLAM THE MAN'S HEAD INTO THE BARRICADE MULTIPLE TIMES. The grown a*s man was sent running and crying like a little bit*h. And the boy got his high five! What a happy ending.

It should also be noted that as violent as the Skylar Dog can be, she usually gives fair warnings before she strikes, at least on Twitter. Example:

Tweet

Here she gave Eileen Sommers a very generous one hour to respond. But Eileen's goddess material and goddesses are immortal, so she doesn't seem to be scared. Still not a simp. But usually: YOU BETTER RESPOND WITHIN THESE 60 MINUTES. Because Sky is recorded to be capable of sending folks to the hospital, as seen here:

Tweet

The Butt Punisher, Fenrir is pretty brave to taunt Sky after the fact. But I would not recommend doing this.

Eileen Sommers

Fenrir

In conclusion, the Skylar street dog's terror levels are a threat to my mental health (and her foes' physical health), so luckily I'm finally wrapping up here.

How to Survive: Don't let an attack happen in the first place, by especially not insulting Sky's friends.


AND THAT'S HOW TO SURVIVE 10 LAW ANIMAL ATTACKS from a smothering goat, wild monke, transforming butterfly, renegade hellhound, brutal liger, short-tempered bee, hot-headed cat, stalking wolf, sadistic leopard, and homicidal dog. Of course, this is all just my silly, personal opinion. So that being said, a quick disclaimer. If any of my survival tips turn out to be wrong, or if any gal from this list updates their attack strategies after reading this article, Alvin Simpson is not responsible for any humiliation, injury, torture or death that may result from messing with anybody on this list. So if you are attacked my any of them and something goes wrong......SUCKS TO BE YOU THEN! LOL!

Alvin Simpson out.