Constructive criticism

For general/leisurely discussion
LtLukas
Mid-Carder
Posts: 1178
Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:56 am
Has thanked: 63 times
Been thanked: 38 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by LtLukas »

ragaz wrote:
Sat Aug 25, 2018 10:35 am
Moonyoung managed to overpower the opponent by pulling hard, but before the woman was thrown the hell off the boxer, Jun managed to deliver a solid and precise chop at Lee's wrist, forcing her to hiss in pain. This woman sure knew how to strike precisely - even in such a situation she managed to strike at the weakest part of Moonyoung's arm. Lee took a moment to move and roll her hand around to get a better feeling of her hand, which felt strange for a bit. Of course, she also wanted to rush back in at her opponent at the moment's notice.

And there was a golden opportunity for that as Lee saw Jun tumble through the ring floor. Moonyoung dashed in for the attack despite having a numb feeling in her hand and wrist area, so she would just throw a backhand while dashing at her foe. However, it looked like Jun rolled onto her knees after she finished her epic tumble and set her sights on the boxer before the latter landed her hit. Since Jun would be aware of the attack now, it would be a hard gamble for Moonyoung, but since she was already near her opponent and the backhand was already underway, she had to carry on with the plan despite the risk and then respond accordingly if it failed.
Something that you did here that I like is that you used a lot of action words. She didn't moan in pain, she hissed in pain. She didn't go forward, she dashed into the attack. This does a good job of really bringing the excitement to life. She doesn't do a backhand, she throws a backhand. There is an inherent emotional part of this on the reader's end, and it really gives your post some energy.

You might want to work on your sentence length. That last sentence is a bit of a whopper. It is sometimes easy for the reader to lose focus on the idea behind one sentence if it stretches forever, especially if a few sentences in a row are like that. Mix it up. You shouldn't just have long sentences, and it might be a good idea to try something like short long long short just to keep the reader engaged.

User avatar
ragaz
The Fastest Sloth Alive
Posts: 2440
Joined: Thu May 24, 2018 6:44 am
Has thanked: 695 times
Been thanked: 62 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by ragaz »

ok thx, but im pretty sure i got short sentences too. admittedly at times when they should be longer
Sloth's Harem
Spoiler

LtLukas
Mid-Carder
Posts: 1178
Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:56 am
Has thanked: 63 times
Been thanked: 38 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by LtLukas »

Vcom7418 wrote:
Thu Aug 23, 2018 3:41 pm
"AAAAAH! HAIR! HAIR!", GASTER screamed at her burning scalp as Adriana forced the Shadow Lord to her feet, all the while insulting her as she got angrier and angrier with the fans...

...until finally, she just outright threw GASTER over the barricade and into the audience!

"WHOOOOOAH!"

The fall wouldn't hurt her much compared to the people she would take down with her. Although some of them hit their heads, most of them appeared to be ok:

"Ooooof...are you ok?", she said to a nearby girl, before helping her up to her feet, despite the hellish pain in her back.

Afterwards, she would turn to Adriana:

"Are you actually insane?!"
I don't know if this is really a criticism, but this is something that really stuck out. It looks like a lot of the weight of this post, if you will, is carried by the dialogue. It is not something that I would necessarily do, but I am not writing god. You get a lot of mileage out of what you have written, which I like. You can see what she is feeling/thinking through proxy. But it really jumped off of the screen.

Something that you may want to work on is your 'and then' storytelling. This happens, and then this happens, and then this happens. It sort of reads like a list of facts as opposed to opposed to a coherent whole. Try doing something like, this happened because that happened. That, in turn, caused this. You may find that there is more of a build up, and it can lead to something pretty grand.

User avatar
winner3
Site Admin
Posts: 3577
Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 1:12 am
Location: League of Anime Wrestling
Has thanked: 596 times
Been thanked: 241 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by winner3 »

LtLukas wrote:
Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:55 pm
I don't know if this is really a criticism, but this is something that really stuck out. It looks like a lot of the weight of this post, if you will, is carried by the dialogue. It is not something that I would necessarily do, but I am not writing god.
Question, just out of curiosity: when it comes to writing character promos, which doesn't happen all that often but certainly does every now and then, how can one get their character to convey their core personality, motives, and values in a way that isn't dialogue-heavy? This is something I find myself struggling with every now and then. Especially because I enjoy writing dialogue and banter.
Taskmaster12 wrote:
Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:20 am
LtLukas being helpful! Unlike the too nice to do anything mod XD (and now as I await my untimely death anyone want to take a crack at my writing?)
You're safe, friend. Being "too nice" is a complaint I often receive xD
Last edited by winner3 on Sat Aug 25, 2018 4:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-Winner's Winners/Full Roster




Discord - winner3#6867

User avatar
Vcom7418
Mwahahahaha
Posts: 3100
Joined: Tue May 23, 2017 8:57 am
Has thanked: 262 times
Been thanked: 110 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by Vcom7418 »

Yeah, I am really just trying to visualize something in my head, and put it into words. This is probably where both "And then" and dialogue heavy style comes in.

I sometimes do as you say, and go for "due to that" and "because of that" and "as a result"...but I can just list of the events as a timeline page rather than describe the events in motion.

Thank you very much :3

User avatar
winner3
Site Admin
Posts: 3577
Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 1:12 am
Location: League of Anime Wrestling
Has thanked: 596 times
Been thanked: 241 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by winner3 »

If we really wanna thank Lukas, we should give him feedback. I feel bad that he came to this thread seeking feedback and instead ended up giving without receiving.
-Winner's Winners/Full Roster




Discord - winner3#6867

LtLukas
Mid-Carder
Posts: 1178
Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:56 am
Has thanked: 63 times
Been thanked: 38 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by LtLukas »

When it comes to promos, yeah, I think that sort of lends itself to talking a lot. All promos are, and indeed should be, dialogue heavy. I don't think my criticism would necessarily apply to that.

User avatar
Luncha_Libre
Main-Eventer
Posts: 2043
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 5:20 pm
Has thanked: 46 times
Been thanked: 149 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by Luncha_Libre »

Hey folks, how are you? Just popping into the thread here to ask about a couple specific points of my writing here, if it's not too much trouble.

First, how is my character 'selling?' I try to make sure my characters keep hurting from what's been dished out to them for awhile, unless they get a chance to recover, and not just go straight back to high-flying after getting their legs kicked to bits or something. Am I doing alright at this goal? On the other side of that, am I over-selling? I know I tend to have characters like the British Bombshells die two or three times per match, but does it ever reach the point where it detracts from the thread? I want to get the reader/fiction audience/myself invested in their suffering, but I also don't want them to be bumping around the ring like a speedballing Dolph Ziggler, or something.

Secondly, how are my characters? I notice some of my characters are a bit more popular than others (which is totally fine, different strokes for different folks, and all), or they start out with some interest but then drop off the radar. Are there any characters of mine that come off on their character sheet totally different from the way they do in match threads? Also, should I change anyone to be more appealing in general? Totally open to suggestion on this one, just hoping to improve on my character stuff.

EDITED TO ADD: I also just posted my first promo here, in the tag team turmoil thread. If anyone has any pointers on how that could have been done a bit better, I am absolutely all ears! Thanks, folks!
Last edited by Luncha_Libre on Wed Sep 12, 2018 2:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
So tough, I won't even hit submit on my posts! Wait ...

User avatar
anime_hentaifighter
Hall of Fame
Posts: 11495
Joined: Sun May 21, 2017 11:24 am
Location: trillian ashleysexfighter
Has thanked: 1563 times
Been thanked: 218 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by anime_hentaifighter »

Like your characters to be honest , but can't comment on how they roleplay since i have not really done a match with you yet.Can read the stories , but most times a character acts a way because of how both roleplayers planed it .Hope we can do that match soon

User avatar
winner3
Site Admin
Posts: 3577
Joined: Sun May 14, 2017 1:12 am
Location: League of Anime Wrestling
Has thanked: 596 times
Been thanked: 241 times

Re: Constructive criticism

Unread post by winner3 »

Luncha_Libre wrote:
Wed Sep 12, 2018 2:15 pm
Hey folks, how are you? Just popping into the thread here to ask about a couple specific points of my writing here, if it's not too much trouble.

First, how is my character 'selling?' I try to make sure my characters keep hurting from what's been dished out to them for awhile, unless they get a chance to recover, and not just go straight back to high-flying after getting their legs kicked to bits or something. Am I doing alright at this goal? On the other side of that, am I over-selling? I know I tend to have characters like the British Bombshells die two or three times per match, but does it ever reach the point where it detracts from the thread? I want to get the reader/fiction audience/myself invested in their suffering, but I also don't want them to be bumping around the ring like a speedballing Dolph Ziggler, or something.

Secondly, how are my characters? I notice some of my characters are a bit more popular than others (which is totally fine, different strokes for different folks, and all), or they start out with some interest but then drop off the radar. Are there any characters of mine that come off on their character sheet totally different from the way they do in match threads? Also, should I change anyone to be more appealing in general? Totally open to suggestion on this one, just hoping to improve on my character stuff.

EDITED TO ADD: I also just posted my first promo here, in the tag team turmoil thread. If anyone has any pointers on how that could have been done a bit better, I am absolutely all ears! Thanks, folks!
So I'm not well-versed in telling folks how they can improve their writing overall, but I will try to oblige in regards to the specific requests you made and questions you've asked.

I haven't done many threads with you but from what little we've done, I think your character selling is some of the best I've seen or worked with. I don't think anyone needs to look very far to find examples. I've enjoyed your descriptions of the wear and moves your own characters have suffered through and what they're fighting/going through while trying to mount offense of their own. I've enjoyed reading British Bombshell matches and the only feedback I'd give is to maybe have them attempt to do more so that they look more like they're trying, or explain how they couldn't act in certain circumstances/posts when possible. I love them as sympathetic faces. I just personally wanna see them go for more moves/try to fight back more often. Even if it were to all get countered, I as a reader have the satisfaction of knowing that effort was made before they got ragdolled. I personally don't think that your selling has detracted from any thread of yours that I've read. I never get the feeling that you're selling to the point of just straight up masochism/overdramatization.

I'd eventually like to do a thread with everyone on your roster. Again I know we've haven't done a whole lot together, but of the 3 characters of yours that I'm currently threading with, I don't feel like you've rp'ed them differently from how I imagined when reading their profiles. Threading with them has only made me more curious about their character direction, goals, and overall growth in terms of where you intend to take them.

And finally, I enjoyed your promo post in the tag turmoil thread. This might be lame but I don't really have any advice to offer there. I don't think it could be improved by much. It was great. I just hope I was able to keep up in that thread.

I hope that input helped on some level. Keep up the good work :)
-Winner's Winners/Full Roster




Discord - winner3#6867

Post Reply

  • Random Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to “Discussion”